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- PLAYGIRL, Inc.
- Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
- Dear Sir:
- Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
- inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
- a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
- ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
- age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
- long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
- ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
- in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
- us.
- Sympathetically,
- Amanda L. Smith
- p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
- wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
- %
- MOUNTIES:
- I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
- I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
- all day.
- I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
- I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
- On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
- And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
- I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
- I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
- I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
- And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
- I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
- Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
- I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
- Just like my dear Pappa.
- %
- FROM THE DESK OF
- Snow White
- Dear Snow White:
- Thanks for last night.
- Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
- %
- LEPROSY
- Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
- I'm not half the man I used to be.
- Oh, how did I get leprosy?
- Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
- Now it even hurts to take a piss.
- Oh why did I get syphilis?
- Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
- I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
- -- To the tune of "Yesterday"
- %
- THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
- An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
- Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
- who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
- In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
- beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:
- --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
- which UFOs come.
- --That pi equals precisely 3.000.
- --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
- squared the circle.
- --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
- Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
- including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
- special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
- Bull.
- %
- The Snack
- Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
- What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
- Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
- recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
- caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
- I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
- But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
- And am I not the master of my own?
- Nothing to eat?
- What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
- just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
- Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
- Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
- -- L.L. Zeiger
- %
- ... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
- worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
- 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
- considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
- showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
- have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
- was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
- as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
- %
- A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
- over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
- "No."
- So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
- %
- A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
- of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
- drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
- probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
- When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
- says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
- "Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
- "Is she with her lover?"
- The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
- that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
- The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
- say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
- to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
- two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
- the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
- The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
- silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
- to the phone and says "It's done."
- The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
- "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
- "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
- %
- A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
- This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
- them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
- following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
- he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
- the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
- see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
- Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
- At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
- he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
- Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
- his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
- brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
- down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
- right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
- %
- A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
- buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
- the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
- boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
- the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
- the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
- they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
- Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
- farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
- frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
- in the mud.
- Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
- don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
- today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
- "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
- "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
- the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
- %
- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
- for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do
- all day?"
- Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
- "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
- Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
- mailman."
- "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
- Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
- whorehouse."
- The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
- Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
- answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
- an explanation.
- Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do
- you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
- %
- A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
- from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
- "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
- you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
- him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
- The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
- are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
- gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
- the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
- Pretzel hold.
- The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
- on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
- scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
- pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
- finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
- of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
- "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
- this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
- what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
- you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
- %
- A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
- island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
- could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
- were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
- the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
- the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
- downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
- charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
- men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
- Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
- blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
- only blurt out, "What happened?"
- "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
- ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
- grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
- hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
- the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
- to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
- %
- A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
- in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
- and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
- conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
- go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
- seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
- 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
- "Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
- He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
- "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
- hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
- goodbye, and runs out the front door.
- He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
- doorway.
- "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
- "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
- to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
- had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
- "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
- You've been bowling again!"
- %
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
- dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
- brother and inquires after his pet.
- "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
- he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
- of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
- outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
- corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
- "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
- "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
- How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
- outside one day..."
- %
- A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
- I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
- A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
- be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
- "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
- dog's stuck in its throat."
- %
- A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
- "Hi, honey, I'm home."
- There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note
- on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
- 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
- I get home."
- Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his
- stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
- from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
- doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
- girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said.
- He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
- was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
- the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
- complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"
- %
- A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing
- out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
- "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!"
- The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green
- valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad,"
- he says.
- Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps,
- "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
- %
- A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
- terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
- Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
- homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
- got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
- who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
- The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
- something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
- "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
- %
- A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
- bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
- "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
- About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
- 6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
- To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
- are lovers."
- Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
- NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
- in your family like pussy?"
- "Yeah. Me and my sister."
- %
- A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
- Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
- down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
- and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
- is eight-year-old Scotch."
- The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
- pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
- most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
- had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
- is on the house."
- A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
- conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
- The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which
- the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
- %
- A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
- up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
- little Leprechaun.
- After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
- struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
- worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
- Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
- pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
- After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
- walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
- Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
- after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
- in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
- his little dick!"
- Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
- "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
- "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
- %
- A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
- flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
- large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
- "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
- "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
- After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
- asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
- men?"
- "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
- hung than *anybody*."
- "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
- "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
- all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
- "Running Bear Sheldon."
- %
- A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
- He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
- gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
- were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
- what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
- "Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
- a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
- ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
- "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
- clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
- "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
- hasn't been your day, has it?"
- %
- A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
- particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
- man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
- fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
- felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
- the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
- Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
- quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
- "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
- With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
- like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
- %
- A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
- while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
- was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
- Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
- The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
- that he had ever eaten.
- "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
- kind of meat is it?"
- "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
- "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
- "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
- "Rabbits don't make any noise..."
- "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
- %
- A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
- asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
- symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
- The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
- "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
- The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
- girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
- turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
- "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
- kissed a man!"
- The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
- silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
- staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
- wrong out there?"
- "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
- like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
- another one was going to show up."
- %
- A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
- two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
- I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
- As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
- he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
- %
- A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
- car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
- and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
- Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
- Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
- decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
- driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
- "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
- aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
- at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
- "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
- like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
- %
- A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
- some good news and some bad news."
- He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
- She replied, "You're not sterile."
- %
- A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
- consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
- sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
- for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
- and lustful pursuits.
- The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
- if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
- then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
- is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
- The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
- a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
- affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
- is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
- is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
- his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
- %
- A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
- for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
- qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
- white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
- The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
- that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
- him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
- "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
- your dog, here, talk!"
- "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
- heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
- good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
- "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
- "the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
- "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
- heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
- the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
- The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
- final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
- "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
- %
- A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
- asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
- She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
- work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
- should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
- So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
- "You get laid today, Billy?"
- "Yeah, Dad."
- "How was it?"
- "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
- "Good Boy!".
- A month later: "You get laid today?"
- "No, Dad."
- "No? How come?"
- "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
- %
- A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
- Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
- The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
- miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
- Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
- -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
- Life in the Universe"
- %
- A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
- to die, would you remarry?"
- After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
- this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
- The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
- "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
- "Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
- I've always loved it here."
- "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
- "No."
- "Why not?"
- "She's left handed."
- %
- A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
- They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
- love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
- to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
- She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
- my pantyhose."
- %
- A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
- whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
- settle for a kiss."
- The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
- %
- After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
- earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
- minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
- "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
- name for my baby."
- "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
- of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
- "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
- name."
- %
- All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
- number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
- was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
- vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really
- expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
- Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
- NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
- is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
- TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
- We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
- Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
- to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
- their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
- running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
- But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National
- Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
- drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
- always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip
- if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
- %
- An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
- officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
- house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
- yaki-san."
- Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
- Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
- When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
- which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
- After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
- a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
- Bonsai!"
- Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
- new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
- yaki-san!"
- The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
- "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
- %
- An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
- city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
- arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
- the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
- testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
- The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
- Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
- served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
- much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
- "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
- %
- An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
- porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
- picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
- tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
- After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
- beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
- voluptuous woman.
- After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
- for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
- stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
- The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
- "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
- faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
- handsome prince!"
- And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
- handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
- As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
- the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
- fixed?"
- %
- An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
- man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
- said the soldier.
- "My name is Mary," said the woman.
- "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
- "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
- going?"
- "To Bethlehem."
- "Your reason for going there?"
- "To pay our taxes to the government."
- "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
- "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
- Ricans?"
- %
- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
- remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
- "I have a dead pussy."
- The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
- "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
- %
- And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
- They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
- ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
- very selfhood revealed."
- And Jesus replied, "What?"
- %
- "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
- to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
- posh hotel.
- "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
- "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
- "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
- a postcard?"
- %
- Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
- Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
- an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
- rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
- a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
- all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
- 15 minutes a day!
- SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
- sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
- the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
- muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
- "Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
- of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
- using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
- SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
- immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
- textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
- limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
- %
- Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
- his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
- executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
- loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
- pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
- was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
- "if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
- finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
- lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
- was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
- regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
- he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
- following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
- to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
- muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
- a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
- %
- Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
- Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
- the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
- one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
- have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
- was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
- "Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
- Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
- squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
- headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
- Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
- Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
- me fuck-em all."
- Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
- Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
- Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
- Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
- Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
- Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
- too fast."
- %
- Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
- Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
- subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
- sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
- treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
- Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
- blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
- Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
- see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
- "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
- "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
- %
- Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
- friend asked him how it went.
- "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
- night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
- times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
- last night, nothing!"
- "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
- "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
- %
- But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
- skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
- calf they were sucking hind teat...
- Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
- called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
- the front of the bus."
- But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
- deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
- yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
- unto a snowball in Hell."
- -- "The Begatting of a President"
- %
- But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
- cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
- to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
- latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
- with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
- bunch of knuckles.
- -- Harlan Ellison
- %
- "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
- your penis?"
- "Uh, not right now."
- "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
- -- Real Genius
- %
- Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
- particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
- a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
- said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
- himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
- your ass, you ugly cunt."
- When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
- the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
- you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
- your play can go fuck yourselves."
- At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
- to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And
- if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
- unhesitating retort.
- -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
- %
- "Daddy?"
- "Yes son."
- "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
- "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
- something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
- the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
- `SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
- -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
- %
- Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
- Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
- Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
- Sept 28 Blind Academy
- Sept 30 World War I Veterans
- Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
- Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
- Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
- Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
- Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
- Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
- %
- "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
- be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
- %
- "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
- We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
- "But this is different," protested her husband.
- "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
- Now tell me what our problem is."
- "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
- bastard child."
- %
- "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
- married?"
- He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
- I've always been especially fond of married women."
- %
- Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
- to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
- quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
- had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
- now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
- in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
- the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
- she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
- response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
- ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
- and you... uh... don't have all the..."
- "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
- %
- "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
- sincerely, extremely dangerously.
- They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
- They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
- intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
- They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
- used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
- bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
- They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
- They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
- -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
- %
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
- blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
- country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
- hit my wife."
- "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
- at mine, over there."
- %
- During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
- husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
- she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
- %
- Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
- blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
- while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
- to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
- pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
- He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
- stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
- But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
- protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
- tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
- Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
- tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
- And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
- by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
- and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
- %
- Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
- and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
- than fried chicken, is it?"
- Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
- "I got to be dead honest, Roy."
- And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
- Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
- ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
- can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
- finest I've ever had."
- -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
- %
- Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
- those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
- needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
- Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
- the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
- No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
- ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
- contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
- should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
- the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
- Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
- The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
- of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
- not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
- and not care."
- %
- Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
- a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
- baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
- ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
- The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
- which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
- you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
- %
- Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
- obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
- floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
- girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
- of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
- unimpaired?"
- The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
- all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
- girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
- about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
- as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
- "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
- "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
- fail me."
- %
- Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
- "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
- only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
- Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
- only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
- Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
- could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
- %
- "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
- said the guy aggressively.
- "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
- "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
- town."
- "Oh, no, you won't."
- "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
- "Oh, no, you won't."
- "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
- "Oh, no, you're not."
- "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
- "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
- %
- For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
- vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
- affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting
- few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
- short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
- "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
- he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
- and the baby would have my name!"
- "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
- we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
- better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
- %
- Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
- usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
- evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
- such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
- One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
- and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
- fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
- At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
- in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
- professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
- nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
- They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
- remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
- the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
- thoughts?"
- Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
- %
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
- engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
- was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
- and sarcastic?"
- "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
- "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
- %
- "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
- to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
- beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
- dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
- apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
- in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
- %
- God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
- what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
- wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
- Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
- agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
- lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
- though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
- innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
- were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
- -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
- %
- God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
- differences once and for all.
- When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
- where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
- %
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
- from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
- "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
- promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
- nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
- "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
- you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
- right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on
- the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
- find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
- the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
- %
- Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
- No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
- been worse."
- To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
- situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
- hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
- "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
- found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
- the gun on himself!"
- "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
- "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
- have been worse?"
- "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
- dead right now."
- %
- Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
- proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
- and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
- to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
- nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
- All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
- she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
- The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
- in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
- surprise," smiled the bride.
- Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
- leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
- "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
- Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
- %
- "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
- "Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
- "Do it alone?"
- "Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
- "How would that help?"
- "Used a whip."
- %
- "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
- "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
- "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
- "Four hours to bury a cat!?"
- "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
- "Oh, it's not dead then."
- "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
- goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
- on the safe side."
- "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
- to a dead cat, do you?"
- -- Monty Python
- %
- "Hello, Police Department."
- "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
- molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
- "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
- "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
- on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
- Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
- I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
- held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
- couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
- pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
- erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
- throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
- Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
- my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
- say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
- know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
- "What's the matter, mister?"
- "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
- %
- Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
- with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
- Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
- define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the
- court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
- Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't
- it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when
- his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
- enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
- ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
- that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
- it because the court was going to take a nap.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
- %
- "How'd you get that flat?"
- "Ran over a bottle."
- "Didn't you see it?"
- "Damn kid had it under his coat."
- %
- "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
- the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
- "Who was that?" his young wife asked.
- "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
- %
- "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
- society. Society made me what I am today!"
- "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk
- like me."
- "It still... hurts... auugghh!"
- "You're going to be okay..."
- "...gurgle..."
- "... maybe not."
- -- Repo Man
- %
- "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
- the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
- "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
- take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
- camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
- the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
- the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
- The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
- like twenty more gallons of water.
- The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
- man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
- The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
- bricks."
- %
- "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
- "Oh, how can you tell?"
- "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
- hear the stereo."
- %
- I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
- "What'll you have, Bud"?
- I said," I don't know, surprise me".
- So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
- young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
- I'm on my way."
- "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
- %
- In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
- mud."
- And there was mud.
- And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
- can see what we have done."
- And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
- man. Mud-as-man alone could speak.
- "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
- "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
- "Certainly," said man.
- "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
- And He went away.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
- %
- In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
- announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference
- today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
- a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
- in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
- around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
- those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
- There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
- citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
- these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
- than a citizen bless their country?"
- %
- It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
- they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
- One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
- them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
- Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
- thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
- Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
- brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
- %
- It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
- in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
- Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They
- said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
- life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the
- Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
- Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
- -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
- %
- It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
- American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
- sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
- ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
- "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
- country there's only one."
- "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
- that?"
- "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
- "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
- %
- "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
- Jewish men?"
- "You really want to know?"
- "Yeah."
- "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
- Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
- %
- Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
- her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
- the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
- way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
- begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
- stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
- "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
- the hotel, out of breathe from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
- mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
- wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
- "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
- can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
- "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
- the dining room skylight."
- %
- Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
- seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
- with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
- it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
- again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
- suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
- life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
- become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
- The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
- some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
- The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
- male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
- the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
- male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
- Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
- on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
- a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
- matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
- Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
- has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
- why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
- to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
- occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
- %
- Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
- mirror, admiring her breasts.
- "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
- "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
- twenty-five-year-old."
- "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
- ass?"
- "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
- %
- Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
- Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day,
- without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In
- an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
- prison.
- They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
- in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
- them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're
- hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
- to death.
- The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
- be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
- any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
- Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
- Murray.
- "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
- spits in the sergeants face.
- "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
- -- Arthur Naiman
- %
- "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
- barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
- "Not in California."
- %
- "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
- a girl should not do before twenty."
- "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
- audience, either."
- %
- Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
- you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
- oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
- cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
- Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
- the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
- repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
- in the others.
- While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
- of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
- it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
- Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
- therapy ask if people have had therapy.
- Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
- Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
- -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
- %
- Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
- people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
- times a job applicant has had the clap.
- Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
- by a professional liar?
- If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
- did the applicant go to TCU?
- If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
- have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
- -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
- %
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
- to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
- There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
- alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
- dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
- saying."
- The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
- the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
- to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
- singing."
- "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
- "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
- %
- Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
- bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
- court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
- that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
- pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
- women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
- played appropriate music.
- Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
- He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
- rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
- multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
- After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
- King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
- his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
- but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
- The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
- banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
- %
- One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
- and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
- turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
- Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
- one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
- The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
- way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
- %
- One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
- seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
- and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
- bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
- flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
- soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
- her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
- He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
- connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
- Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
- With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
- his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
- discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
- various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
- all of its field strength.
- Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
- solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
- excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
- each others fuses.
- -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
- %
- One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
- visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
- up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
- say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
- kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
- The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
- the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
- he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
- Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
- "Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
- "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
- never writes..."
- %
- One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
- HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
- there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
- made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
- He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
- which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
- squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3
- MUSKETEERS."
- -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
- %
- One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
- sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
- of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
- worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
- "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
- instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
- the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
- into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
- "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
- "Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
- dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
- The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
- out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
- grandpa.", he remarks.
- "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
- %
- "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
- science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
- some concrete example."
- Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
- "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
- a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
- "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
- the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
- "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
- to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
- "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
- example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
- course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
- -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
- %
- Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
- state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
- dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
- and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
- eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
- shout, too):
- "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
- Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
- was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
- flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
- "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
- As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
- amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
- So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
- tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
- "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
- %
- People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
- motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
- jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
- bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
- then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
- a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
- a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
- out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
- side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
- Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
- blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
- of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
- the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
- are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
- circuits.
- When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
- of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
- junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
- that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
- -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
- %
- People who write position papers often find themselves in an
- enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
- position.
- A good position paper will have many words in it like
- "superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
- You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
- limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
- Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
- position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert
- Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
- A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
- semicolon.
- -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
- %
- Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
- has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
- Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
- The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
- definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
- gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
- The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
- Santa," she begs.
- He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
- you know."
- She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
- at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
- "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
- Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
- warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
- Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
- gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
- %
- Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
- stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
- this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
- doesn't deserve to have any."
- James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
- failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
- remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
- major general."
- (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
- complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
- while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
- Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
- pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
- sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
- more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
- on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
- out of the car. "Run for your life!"
- Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
- Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
- story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
- roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
- house."
- "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
- maybe, but not in the House."
- %
- Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
- still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
- Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
- exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
- Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
- Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
- love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
- prick."
- "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
- assure you, that's a wee-wee."
- %
- Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
- certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
- own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
- care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
- statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
- dick."
- While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
- asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
- "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
- whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
- Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
- the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
- Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
- upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
- wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
- had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
- and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
- stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
- you staring at, homo?"
- -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
- %
- "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
- coffee?"
- "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
- answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
- "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
- %
- "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
- sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
- "How do you know?" the friend asked.
- "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
- she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
- "So?"
- "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
- %
- The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't just
- say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
- primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
- and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
- saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
- you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
- time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
- Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
- So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
- publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
- naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
- naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
- article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
- Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
- others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
- Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
- %
- The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
- "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
- in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
- "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
- but not much good in a fight."
- %
- The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
- a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
- his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
- So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
- please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
- sees nothing but goyim..."
- "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
- you got problems. What about my son?"
- %
- The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
- physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
- "is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
- from women."
- "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's
- second best?"
- %
- The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
- made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
- footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
- reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
- madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
- "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
- every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
- "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
- the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
- -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
- %
- The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
- As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
- "What happened?"
- "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
- -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!"
- %
- The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
- After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
- branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
- wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
- The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
- horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
- Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
- "That's two," he said.
- Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
- crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
- off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
- shot the horse between the eyes.
- "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
- married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
- The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
- %
- The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
- dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
- pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
- replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
- "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
- "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
- %
- The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
- waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
- "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
- As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
- wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
- returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
- two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
- a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
- from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
- with our hands," he explained.
- The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
- have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
- little piece of string attached to my apron?"
- "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
- The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
- "Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
- comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
- piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
- "But how do you put it back?"
- "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
- I use the tongs."
- %
- The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
- the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
- the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
- us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
- In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
- Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
- on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
- his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
- leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
- negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
- farewell is consummated between the sheets.
- As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
- pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
- look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
- we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
- She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
- %
- The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
- way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
- jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
- tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
- jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
- Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
- candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
- wildest girls I know.
- %
- The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian
- period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
- frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline,
- as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
- sport.
- The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
- castrating pigs during Sunday service.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
- %
- The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
- Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have
- stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the
- way when they try to be serious."
- "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
- into the ether and the cocaine."
- "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
- in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just
- chew it up like baseball gum."
- I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with
- the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then
- screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
- across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from
- the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just
- did to us?"
- -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
- %
- THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
- 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
- loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
- and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
- phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
- "Bullsheyet".
- 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
- 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
- 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
- 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
- 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
- 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
- 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
- 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
- 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
- 10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
- -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
- of a Gun".
- %
- The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
- wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
- romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
- So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
- castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
- factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
- almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
- After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
- trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
- ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
- on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
- "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
- "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
- people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
- %
- The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
- for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
- "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
- "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
- guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
- popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
- "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
- I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
- using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
- The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
- wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
- "Wousy," said the girl.
- %
- There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
- and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
- from sex for thirty days.
- Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
- the first couple if they passed the test.
- "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
- "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
- the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
- "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
- until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
- I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
- stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
- to her right there."
- "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
- the Church after something like that."
- "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
- into Safeway anymore either."
- %
- There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
- a bar having a few drinks together.
- The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
- drive your wife wild in bed?"
- "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
- garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over
- her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
- her wild with desire."
- "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love
- I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
- Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
- "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
- out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives
- her wild."
- %
- These two project managers were walking through a residential area
- one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
- cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
- nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
- -- I wish I could do that!"
- Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
- it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
- %
- "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
- parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
- being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
- The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
- Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
- whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
- "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
- about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
- country. We're completely computerized.
- "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
- leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
- real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
- country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
- look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
- yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
- I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
- He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
- "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
- we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
- your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
- -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
- %
- This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
- the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
- months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
- He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
- up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
- surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
- come on over to the clinic."
- "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
- embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
- "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
- all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
- on a top hat, and come on over."
- The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
- reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
- dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
- nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
- "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
- %
- This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
- with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
- dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
- "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
- Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
- the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
- requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
- "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
- guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
- being so helpless.
- "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
- *thing* 'til my nails dry!"
- %
- This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
- good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
- sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
- "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
- <sniffle>"
- So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
- He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
- the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
- away feeling wonderful.
- Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
- sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
- end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
- "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
- The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
- her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
- %
- Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
- The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
- selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
- asked, pointing at the first girl.
- "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
- "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
- girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
- "Your honor, I'm an actress."
- "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
- you?" he demanded.
- "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
- the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
- laid off."
- "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
- Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
- arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
- for a living?"
- "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
- %
- Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
- ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
- shum money from my wife."
- The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
- and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
- This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
- affect the husband.
- "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
- asked.
- "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
- Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
- Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
- enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
- "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
- he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
- "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
- %
- Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
- car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
- "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
- London?"
- The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
- he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
- The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
- he say, Reggie?"
- "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
- replied.
- After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
- didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
- The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
- exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
- just before I came back to the States!"
- "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
- "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
- %
- Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
- were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
- side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
- driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
- Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
- deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
- "Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
- "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
- to be able to settle out of court."
- %
- Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
- to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
- `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
- All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
- mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
- "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
- His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
- and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
- "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
- it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
- %
- Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
- their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
- has cut me down to just once a week."
- "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
- two guys she's cut off altogether.
- %
- Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
- the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
- mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
- noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
- hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
- the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
- lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
- come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
- asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
- the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
- said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
- this ungodly hour?"
- The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
- They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
- watch."
- He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
- partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
- three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
- %
- Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
- and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
- roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
- three days."
- Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
- %
- We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
- drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
- lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible
- roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
- swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
- hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was
- screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
- Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
- was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
- hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
- eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
- I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
- Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
- bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
- -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
- A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
- %
- Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
- great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt
- so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
- THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
- And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
- one is mightier than you."
- A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
- "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
- The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
- stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
- The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
- quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
- THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
- Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
- him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
- orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
- The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
- you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
- %
- Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
- She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
- "Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to
- say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was
- reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
- justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
- ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
- That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
- explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and
- suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace,
- the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
- Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip!
- How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
- %
- When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
- operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
- it would be before she could resume her sex life.
- "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
- "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
- %
- When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
- that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
- hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
- to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
- but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
- seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
- invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
- sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
- Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
- It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
- Rumania.
- -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
- %
- While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
- the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
- three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
- "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
- "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
- "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
- then. We're trying to catch her."
- "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
- carrying a bucket of sand?"
- "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
- %
- While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
- out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
- France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
- proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
- aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
- and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
- The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
- board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
- tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
- and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
- into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
- evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
- waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
- an explanation. She told him the whole story.
- "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
- admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair
- to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
- %
- "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
- night?" demanded the irate mother.
- "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
- "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
- movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
- "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
- "We did."
- %
- With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
- Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
- buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
- "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
- "I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
- "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
- and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
- "Okay. It's your wife."
- "My wife!!"
- "Yeah."
- "What about her?"
- Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
- his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
- %
- "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
- be anything else?"
- %
- You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
- elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
- up in the bar last night?"
- "Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
- "Did I bring you home?"
- "Uh-huh."
- "Did we, uh, fool around?"
- "Uh-huh."
- "Lord, I must have been tight!"
- "Not any more."
- %
- ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured
- we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
- inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion
- as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
- naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
- might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do
- us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their
- protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
- that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
- God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
- for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
- virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
- frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
- because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
- is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
- is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
- obscure such reality.
- -- Steve Allen
- %
- ... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
- beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
- quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
- wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
- the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
- had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
- concerned...
- I gan noo wha ma organs gan
- When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
- So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
- Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
- And iver her purse was wet.
- But old Sir Oswald allus stank
- Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
- And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
- Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
- What I have done without.
- But ere ye come to draw ma heart
- Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
- But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
- And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
- Afore I have a pee.
- -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
- %
- 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
- 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
- 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
- 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
- 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
- 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
- 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
- 10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
- %
- 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
- 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
- quarterback.
- 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
- 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
- 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
- sleep with it, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
- 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
- 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
- 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
- 10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
- %
- 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
- 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
- 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
- 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
- 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
- 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
- 8. A beer doesn't snore.
- 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
- 10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
- %
- 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
- 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
- aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
- 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
- 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
- 4. Beer tastes good.
- 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
- Hits" as much as you do.
- 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
- 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
- 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
- 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
- cents less expensive.
- 10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
- like grass.
- %
- 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
- 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
- 2. Beer stains wash out.
- 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
- 4. Beer never makes you wait.
- 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
- 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
- 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
- 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
- 10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
- %
- 15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
- 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
- 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
- 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
- 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
- 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
- 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
- 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
- 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
- 10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
- 11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
- 12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
- 13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
- 14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
- 15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
- %
- 18th Rule of Friendship:
- A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
- to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
- ever saw.
- -- Esquire, May 1977
- %
- 20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
- 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
- 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
- 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
- 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
- 10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
- 11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
- 12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
- 13. A beer tastes good.
- 14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- 15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
- 16. You don't have to let a beer win.
- 17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
- 18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
- 19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
- 20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
- %
- 667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
- %
- 68:
- Do me now and I'll owe you one.
- %
- 6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
- %
- 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
- %
- 71:
- 69 with two fingers up your ass.
- -- George Carlin
- %
- 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
- Redwood Forest.
- 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
- Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
- %
- 8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
- 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
- 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
- 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
- 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
- 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
- "just for the articles".
- 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
- 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
- else's beer.
- 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
- make you ill.
- %
- A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
- more than a year.
- "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
- "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
- "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
- downed his drink and left disgustedly.
- A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
- He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
- this part of town?"
- "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
- Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
- thing," and turned on his heel and left.
- Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
- his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
- bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
- 'round here would know?"
- "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
- "Seven!?"
- "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
- George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
- %
- A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
- patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
- women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
- of the bar.
- The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
- bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him,
- blanched and ran out of the bar.
- The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
- all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
- The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
- you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
- %
- A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
- "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
- "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
- "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
- "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
- %
- A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
- six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
- sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
- another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
- at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
- this barren bit of land.
- "Almost twenty years," he answered.
- "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
- "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
- replied.
- "And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
- "What's that?" He looked puzzled.
- Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
- beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
- how he had enjoyed it.
- "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
- %
- A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
- purgatory for the purse.
- %
- A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
- one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
- away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
- thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
- "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
- abnormalities."
- "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
- "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
- "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
- cancer."
- "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
- having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
- now?"
- "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
- %
- A beetling young woman named Pridgets
- Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
- Off the end of a wharf
- She once pushed a dwarf
- Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
- -- Edward Gorey
- %
- A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
- would send his wife a telegram saying,
- "Can't come home yet. Still buying."
- His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
- She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
- rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
- she wired him,
- "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
- %
- A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
- Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
- When she swiveled about
- Even strong men cried out,
- For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
- %
- A bisexual chap name of Lunt
- Taught himself an unusual stunt.
- He could peel back his spout
- Turn the skin inside out
- Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
- %
- A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
- %
- A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
- into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
- forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
- "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
- apologized the rabbit.
- "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
- problem!"
- "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
- you think you could help me find out?"
- "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the
- rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
- and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
- "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
- "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you
- suppose you could try and tell me?"
- The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold
- and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
- no balls. You must be an attorney!"
- %
- A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
- Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
- and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
- a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
- minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
- masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
- "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
- %
- A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
- fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
- the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
- The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
- to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
- himself in an accentuated manner.
- "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
- Catholic!"
- "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
- "spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
- %
- A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
- by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
- get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
- worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
- whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
- laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
- happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
- laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
- a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
- house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
- horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
- bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
- the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
- said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
- "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
- "How did you make him cry tonight?"
- "I proved it."
- %
- A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
- %
- A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
- Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
- -- Thomas Ybarra
- %
- A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
- most men know it's there, but few really care.
- %
- A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
- [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
- %
- A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
- chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
- to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
- "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
- "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
- "No, not that."
- "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
- "No, Mom. Down underneath."
- His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
- Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
- a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
- "That's the elephant's trunk, son."
- "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
- other end."
- "Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
- "No. Down there."
- The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
- penis."
- "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
- The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
- that woman."
- %
- A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
- -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
- %
- A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
- watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
- guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
- moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
- hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
- shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
- they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
- the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
- passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
- "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
- with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
- sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
- The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
- at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
- he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
- "What?!?!?" she screams.
- "Raining like hell, isn't it?"
- %
- A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
- %
- A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat,
- rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
- down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
- on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
- station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
- drowned in the lake!"
- "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
- more chain than he can swim with?"
- %
- A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
- A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
- %
- A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
- "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
- The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
- %
- A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
- coming again soon. Bend over.
- %
- A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
- hard it was to get any sleep.
- "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
- drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
- "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
- "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
- %
- A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
- That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
- and that's how we'll do it now.
- -- Dick Hamlet
- %
- A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
- -- Bobby Knight
- %
- A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
- it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
- %
- A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
- professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
- and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
- night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
- asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
- "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
- %
- A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
- the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
- with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and
- speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
- a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
- "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
- territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
- At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
- "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we
- fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
- fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
- At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
- openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
- to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
- German Air Force.
- He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
- %
- A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
- they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
- however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
- what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
- scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
- Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
- would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
- "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
- must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
- %
- A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
- girl there.
- "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
- "What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
- He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
- "This frog can eat pussy."
- The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
- a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
- discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
- She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
- says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
- owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
- "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
- "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
- By now, the girl is laughing openly.
- "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
- only going to show you one more time."
- %
- A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
- into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
- and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
- curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
- Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
- %
- A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
- %
- A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
- %
- A hard man is good to find.
- %
- A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
- the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
- right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with
- that?"
- When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
- downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
- all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?"
- Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man
- on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!"
- the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?"
- "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong
- end of the bar."
- %
- A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
- the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
- told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
- home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
- of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
- soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
- the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
- Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
- thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
- but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
- Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
- Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
- worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
- "Saunders, help me please!"
- "But what is it, Madame?"
- "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
- "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
- %
- A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
- she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
- "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
- The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
- %
- A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
- the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
- and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
- line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
- do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
- The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
- there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
- 110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
- third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
- "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
- this here corn liquor?"
- "Got one right here," replied the guard.
- The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
- "Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
- "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
- a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
- The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
- with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
- smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
- want killed?"
- %
- A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
- can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
- over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
- and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
- "Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
- %
- A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
- -- Norman Mailer
- %
- A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
- father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
- used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?"
- "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before
- your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from
- behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get
- down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop
- some manure from the ground and eat it!"
- "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
- And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
- I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
- it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
- "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why,
- we had *lunch* together!"
- %
- A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
- Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
- "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
- backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
- thet one wuz!"
- "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
- the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
- Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
- His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
- probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
- "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
- was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
- Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
- "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
- Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
- "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
- not aware of!"
- %
- A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
- -- Thomas Hardy
- %
- A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
- -- Carrie Snow
- %
- A man always needs to remember one thing about
- a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
- %
- A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
- husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
- wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
- "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
- Naturally, the husband is surprised.
- "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
- virgin?"
- "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
- computer programmer."
- "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
- a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
- "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
- tell me how great it was going to be."
- %
- A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
- who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the
- lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win,
- you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see
- her again. Okay?"
- "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point
- on the side to make it interesting?"
- %
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
- or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- -- Joan Rivers
- %
- A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
- next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
- Polish."
- He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
- Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
- "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
- with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
- the joke.
- "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
- "Nah," says the man.
- "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
- man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
- "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
- five times."
- %
- A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
- from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
- around his bed.
- "What happened?" he asks worriedly.
- "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
- and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
- performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
- has been crafted into place."
- "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
- tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
- another erection!"
- "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
- course, have to be someone else's."
- %
- A man is as old as the woman he feels.
- -- Groucho Marx
- %
- A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
- sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
- car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
- "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
- "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
- "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
- So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
- I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
- "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
- "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
- "Do it again."
- It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
- Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
- "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
- time."
- The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
- twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
- "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
- "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
- I want you to drive her into Salerno."
- %
- A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
- for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
- until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
- which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
- a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
- takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
- "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
- anything to show my gratitude."
- "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
- that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
- and take that damn dog for a walk!"
- %
- A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
- in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
- "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
- is your heart's desire?"
- "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
- "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
- As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
- feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
- By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
- his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
- grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
- he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
- "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
- is your heart's desire?"
- "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
- my legs longer?"
- %
- A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
- contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
- "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
- out in public!"
- "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
- "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
- showing that thing to everybody."
- And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
- when he hands her $1000.
- "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
- you to?" she asks.
- "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
- the money."
- "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
- tears welling up in her eyes.
- "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
- %
- A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
- longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
- followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
- other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
- no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
- "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
- but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
- the funeral for?"
- "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
- in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
- attacked and killed her."
- "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
- don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
- "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
- %
- A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
- antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
- from around here, are you?"
- "No," replies the man with the antennae.
- "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
- either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
- "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
- "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
- there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
- "We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
- "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
- big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
- Martians have that?"
- "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
- %
- A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
- bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
- -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
- %
- A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
- %
- A man never minds being in the doghouse
- as long as he can get his tail outside.
- %
- A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
- three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
- them one after another.
- "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
- "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
- "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
- "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
- the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
- %
- A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
- help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
- the train platform.
- "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
- "Glad to do it," said the other man.
- "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
- "It was a pleasure," said the man.
- "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
- "she was a truly great lay."
- The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
- to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
- to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
- "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
- Sam is a helluva nice guy."
- %
- A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
- some good news and some bad news."
- "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
- "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
- longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
- "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
- "Malignant."
- %
- A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
- water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
- person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
- First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
- ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
- be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
- thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
- shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
- went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
- and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
- he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
- and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
- and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
- was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
- outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
- at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
- last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
- or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
- satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
- for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
- %
- A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
- says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
- me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
- "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
- "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
- and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
- her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
- The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
- "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
- after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
- got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
- After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
- took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
- out."
- "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
- "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
- "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
- that doubt!"
- %
- A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
- find a girl willing to listen to him.
- %
- A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
- shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
- "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
- the glass for me?
- "Sure," said the bartender.
- "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
- you'll find the money for the beer."
- The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
- "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
- Where is the men's room?"
- "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
- two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
- %
- A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
- %
- A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
- %
- A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
- for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
- wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
- old age home that money can buy.
- On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
- to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
- straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
- finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
- over and gently pushes him upright again.
- The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
- being treated.
- "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
- it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
- there's just one little problem."
- "What's that, Dad?"
- "They won't let you fart."
- %
- A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
- %
- A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
- many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
- the police.
- -- Mr. Dooley
- %
- A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
- swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
- his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
- "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
- "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
- The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
- %
- A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
- Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
- anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
- the pressure.
- "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
- foreman. "The other men swear by it."
- The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
- his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
- every day!"
- "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
- other men replied.
- "Why not then?"
- "That's your day in the barrel."
- %
- A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
- on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
- over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
- As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
- from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
- "Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
- you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
- Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
- "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
- "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
- Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
- to his death.
- "DUMB YANKEE."
- %
- A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
- by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
- out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
- that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
- himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
- the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
- "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
- onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
- "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
- gallon or two."
- %
- A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
- -- Phyllis Schlafly
- %
- A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
- out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
- Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two. After a few
- minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
- and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
- them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
- the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
- partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
- morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
- night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
- bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
- where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
- deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
- you -- I'm Thor!".
- The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
- like grated cheeth!"
- %
- A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
- sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
- married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
- to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
- risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
- to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
- thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
- that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
- children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
- by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
- -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
- attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
- pornography.
- %
- A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
- sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
- married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
- to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
- risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
- to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
- thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
- that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
- children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
- by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
- -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
- attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
- pornography.
- %
- A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
- going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after
- two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
- His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
- nothing.
- On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
- the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
- This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
- more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
- misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
- club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife
- whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
- Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
- daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
- you?"
- "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
- %
- A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
- %
- A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
- talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
- was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
- their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
- the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
- said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
- %
- A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
- true to the very end of the end of a friend.
- %
- A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
- who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
- speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
- unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
- -- Thackeray
- %
- A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
- trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
- mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
- results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
- octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
- the next morning, he asked the octopus,
- "Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
- "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
- night!"
- %
- A person who has both feet planted firmly
- in the air can be safely called a liberal.
- %
- A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
- against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
- hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
- the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
- of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
- "What happened to your car?"
- "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
- stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
- the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
- right on my key!"
- "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
- down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
- yourself!"
- "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
- %
- A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
- %
- A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
- %
- A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
- over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
- The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
- Bishop."
- "Well, could you get any higher than that?"
- "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
- might be made an Archbishop."
- "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
- "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
- "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
- Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
- be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
- "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
- up from being the Pope?"
- "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!"
- The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it."
- %
- A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
- commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
- The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
- the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
- field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
- room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
- beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
- Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
- looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
- obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
- %
- A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
- and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
- to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
- could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
- idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
- and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
- 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
- At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
- Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
- in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
- its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
- "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
- Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
- in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
- Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
- big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
- you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
- %
- A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
- his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
- sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
- to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
- pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
- condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
- for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
- Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
- says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
- %
- A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
- One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
- He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
- So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
- Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
- One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
- "See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
- "I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
- They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
- They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
- And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
- Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
- They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
- "Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
- As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
- Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
- The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
- Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
- Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
- "Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
- -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
- %
- A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
- all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
- Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
- "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
- cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
- "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
- all of 'em dead?"
- Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
- you know how them Mex'cans lie."
- %
- A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
- act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
- styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
- for fun at the lad's expense.
- "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
- The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
- her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
- a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
- tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
- give him the proper size.
- "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
- half interest in the store."
- %
- A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
- happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
- greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
- third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
- The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
- swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
- The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
- Runna Mickey!"
- The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
- carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
- "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
- to walk to first base.
- The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
- "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
- And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
- Joe. Walka proud."
- %
- A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
- animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
- attendant.
- "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
- pricks than those raised in Africa?"
- The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
- "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
- about the same."
- %
- A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
- the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
- hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
- The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
- "No women? What do the men do for... er..."
- "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
- answer, right there."
- Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
- drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
- wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
- to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
- game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
- a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
- quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
- "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
- "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
- %
- A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
- %
- A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
- for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
- a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
- with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
- uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
- "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
- "Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
- "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
- "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
- %
- A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
- greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
- Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
- "Yes, Tony?"
- "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
- "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
- but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
- From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
- "Yes, Bernie?"
- "Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
- "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
- your apple."
- When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
- the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
- that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
- "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
- but business is business."
- %
- A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
- %
- A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
- century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
- rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
- and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
- never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
- Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
- Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
- does it look like?"
- LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
- vegetables with its tail!"
- Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
- LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
- %
- A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
- %
- A virgin is chaste.
- %
- A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
- %
- A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
- comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
- -- Oscar Wilde
- %
- A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
- -- Addison
- %
- A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
- *for the rest of your life*.
- -- Jim Samuels
- %
- A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
- this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
- unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
- -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
- masturbation is "by no means harmless"
- %
- A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
- %
- A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
- -- Scott
- %
- A woman forgives the audacity of which
- her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
- -- LeSage
- %
- A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
- dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
- about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
- "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
- with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
- much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
- The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
- side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
- "On my balls."
- %
- A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
- thankful for a good one.
- -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
- %
- A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
- the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
- The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
- people personal questions."
- The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
- The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
- to tell you."
- Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
- car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
- the car and watch my purse."
- After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
- license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
- her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
- "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
- "That's right! How did you know?"
- "And you weigh 119 pounds."
- "Did you look in my purse?"
- "And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
- "You *do*?"
- "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
- %
- A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
- -- Blind Lemon Pledge
- %
- A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
- she flies; fly from her, she follows.
- -- Chamfort
- %
- A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
- little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
- -- Adolf Hitler
- %
- A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
- It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
- -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
- %
- A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
- over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
- pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
- -- Stendhal
- %
- A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
- -- Herodotus
- %
- A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
- pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
- woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
- love, without virtue, without sex.
- -- Balzac
- %
- A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
- -- Pancho Villa
- %
- A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- -- Gloria Steinem
- %
- A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
- %
- A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
- as he can.
- -- Moms Mabley
- %
- A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
- sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
- off his penis.
- The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
- uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
- tell her why he won't make love to her.
- "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
- "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
- come here and look for yourself."
- The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
- "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
- "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
- condition."
- %
- A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
- She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
- three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
- %
- A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
- himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
- he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
- of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
- if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
- The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
- grant you three wishes."
- "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
- "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
- ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes
- if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken
- aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After
- the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
- The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
- Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
- "25."
- "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
- %
- A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
- daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
- a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought
- out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl
- who uses bad words?"
- "Who told you?"
- "A little bird," answered the mother.
- "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been
- feeding the little bastards, too!"
- %
- A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
- as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
- like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
- be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
- carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
- worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
- the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
- A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
- received a telegram from their sister. It read:
- I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
- when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
- going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
- %
- A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
- %
- AC/DC is a rock band.
- -- Bisexuality, 101
- %
- Achilles' Biological Findings:
- (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
- If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
- -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
- %
- Adam's Law:
- (1) Women don't know what they want;
- they don't like what they have got.
- (2) Men know very well what they want;
- having got it, they begin to lose interest.
- %
- Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
- and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
- %
- Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
- such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
- %
- ADULTERY:
- Putting yourself in someone else's position.
- %
- Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
- -- Mary Wells, advertising executive
- %
- After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
- are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
- starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
- rummaging through a dresser drawer.
- "What are you doing?" she asks.
- "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
- %
- After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
- bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
- love to men?"
- "That's MY business," she snapped.
- "Ah," he said. "A professional."
- %
- After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
- attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
- for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
- and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
- were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
- a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
- girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
- "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
- be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
- "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
- like you doing in a hotel like this?"
- "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
- %
- After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
- %
- After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
- in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
- hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
- and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
- to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
- become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
- needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
- the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
- little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
- time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
- remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
- wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
- counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
- "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
- %
- After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
- bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
- his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
- on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have
- you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
- %
- After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
- the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
- indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
- "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some
- progress."
- %
- After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
- embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
- "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
- "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
- "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
- "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
- drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
- embarrass us.
- "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
- nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
- make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
- "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
- sister."
- A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
- "is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
- %
- After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
- to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
- "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
- to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
- "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
- find one at three in the morning?"
- %
- After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
- brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
- -- Ronnie Shakes
- %
- After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
- -- Joan Rivers
- %
- Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
- %
- AI hackers do it robotically.
- %
- AI hackers do it with robots.
- %
- Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
- -- Bobcat Goldthwait
- %
- Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
- Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
- A: Antler marks on their hips.
- %
- Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
- the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
- -- Raymond Chandler
- %
- Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
- %
- Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
- daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
- "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
- "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
- "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
- "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
- so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
- screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
- down."
- %
- "Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
- the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
- %
- alimony, n:
- Having an ex you can bank on.
- %
- All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
- a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
- %
- All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
- them apart.
- %
- All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
- %
- All I want is a girl made of wood,
- With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
- She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
- Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
- -- Pinocchio
- %
- All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
- penis or a vagina.
- -- Florynce Kennedy
- There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
- or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
- -- Gloria Steinem
- %
- All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
- injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
- -- Mark Twain
- %
- All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
- And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
- And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
- And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
- Hello, operator, give me number nine,
- If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
- Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
- If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
- Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
- This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
- She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
- She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
- He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
- Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
- -- Princess
- %
- All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons,
- All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings,
- All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom,
- The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings.
- All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet,
- All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid.
- All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin?
- The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did.
- All things scabbed and ulcerous,
- All pox both great and small.
- Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
- The Lord God made them all.
- -- Monty Python
- %
- All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
- crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
- part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
- there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
- important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
- president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
- believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
- the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
- a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
- going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
- home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
- collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
- -- J. Feiffer
- %
- All work and no pay makes a housewife.
- %
- Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
- subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
- to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning
- must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the
- essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
- sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point
- of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
- not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
- in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
- is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
- there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
- in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
- of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be
- willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
- in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
- a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
- protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
- -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
- %
- Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
- of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
- appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his
- proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
- superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely
- inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the
- responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a
- natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
- the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him
- on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative
- anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
- to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing
- up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
- week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
- your last sermon!"
- The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
- Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
- Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
- You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
- among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at
- Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
- and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long
- and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
- main may!'"
- %
- Always talk to your wife while you're
- making love... if there's a phone handy.
- %
- ambition, n:
- An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
- %
- America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
- with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
- anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
- Trail"
- %
- America cannot be sold a can of beer without
- being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
- -- Julius Lester
- %
- America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
- -- Allen Ginsberg
- %
- American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
- is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently,
- any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
- in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how
- to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
- husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
- help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges
- which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
- men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
- continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred
- other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
- greatest friction.
- -- James Michener, "Space"
- %
- America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson
- %
- An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
- %
- An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
- the happiness of life.
- "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
- dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
- Football," the American said.
- "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
- a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
- romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life."
- "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
- two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping
- soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
- door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking
- with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
- policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
- Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
- being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
- shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
- lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
- %
- An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
- exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
- only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care
- for a cigar?" he asked.
- "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and
- didn't like it."
- "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
- businessman asked.
- "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
- "Well, how about a game of billiards?"
- "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
- As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
- son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
- "Your son? An only child, I presume."
- %
- An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
- dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the
- visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All
- arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
- hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
- "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
- First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
- ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
- The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
- friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
- and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
- hero. He speaks first:
- "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
- "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
- capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
- capeau noir?"
- "Ma femme est morte."
- "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
- %
- An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
- is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
- of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her
- if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
- got a quick bite to eat.
- "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little
- Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
- Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
- an open window and takes the seat.
- An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
- American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
- you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
- street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
- %
- An Army travels on her stomach.
- %
- An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
- logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have
- been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
- -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia
- %
- An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
- chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
- Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
- who has seen the Managing Director face on).
- -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
- %
- And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
- upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
- criminal at the bar of justice.
- -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
- %
- ...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
- the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody
- talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
- %
- And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
- he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
- me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
- the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
- suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
- not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
- lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
- other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
- redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
- no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
- because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
- nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
- lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
- and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
- were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
- old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
- and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
- lewd in it at all.
- -- Marquis de Sade
- %
- And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
- ... a brief pause, and then Bing!
- %
- And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
- as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
- And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
- open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
- %
- And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
- And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
- --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
- %
- And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
- victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
- freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
- off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and
- he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
- his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
- a piece of tail.
- -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
- %
- And the northern lights commenced to glow.
- And she said, with a tear in her eye,
- "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
- -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
- %
- And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
- he was melting...
- %
- "And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
- upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her
- companion.
- "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!"
- %
- Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
- photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the
- greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
- "My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to
- record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
- upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
- between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
- family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
- signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
- than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
- of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
- drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
- Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
- "young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
- couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
- a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
- "Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the
- husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
- being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
- singer."
- -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
- %
- Another nun joke!!!
- You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
- this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
- exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
- there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
- %
- Another stupid gay joke!!!
- You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
- daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
- serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
- in and kick your ass?"
- The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
- thurstay...."
- Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
- on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
- as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
- bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
- lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
- From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
- %
- anxiety, n:
- The first time you can't do it a second time.
- panic, n:
- The second time you can't do it the first time.
- %
- Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
- his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
- %
- Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
- %
- Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
- %
- APL hackers take all they want.
- %
- Apple owners do it with mice!
- %
- APPOINTMENT BOOK:
- The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
- invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
- December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
- it was you did during the past year.
- %
- Are there those in the land of the brave
- Who can tell me how I should behave
- When I am disgraced
- Because I erased
- A file I intended to save?
- %
- ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
- Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
- who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
- and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
- natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
- %
- Arkansas:
- Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
- %
- As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
- and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
- be childless.
- The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
- doubtless, a separation.
- -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
- %
- As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
- sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
- was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
- %
- As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
- %
- As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
- makes the ride fun."
- %
- As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
- than the average asshole on the street.
- -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
- %
- As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
- within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
- sex."
- One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
- know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
- have two alcoholics."
- %
- As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
- saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
- one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
- you're a veterinarian."
- %
- As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
- have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest
- issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
- simply marvelous."
- %
- As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
- VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
- offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
- Driver's Handbook:
- If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
- choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
- heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
- soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
- end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
- this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
- not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
- automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a
- feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To
- ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
- as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
- -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
- -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
- -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
- white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
- who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
- Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
- your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
- you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
- the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
- %
- As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
- figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
- his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
- oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
- inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
- could have been killed!"
- The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was
- coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
- brakes."
- %
- As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
- %
- Ask your boss to reconsider --
- It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
- %
- Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
- woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
- she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
- -- David Letterman
- %
- ASS:
- The masculine of "lass".
- %
- Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
- %
- Assassins do it from behind.
- %
- At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
- it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
- the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
- NOT my rectum!"
- "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
- Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
- room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
- "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
- "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
- off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
- numbers on it!"
- %
- At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
- The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went
- to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
- "IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
- theologians.
- "YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
- SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
- %
- At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
- decent men in public life.
- -- Renata Adler
- %
- Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
- %
- Australia's a lovely land
- It's full of bonza blokes,
- Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
- Except in Pommie jokes.
- Australians are lovely chaps
- They're God's own chosen race.
- If they ever see a fairy Pom
- They'll smash him in the face.
- Australians like dressing up
- In skirts and having fun
- And that's all we were doing
- When the Vice Squad came along.
- -- Monty Python
- %
- A-Z affectionately,
- 1 to 10 alphabetically,
- from here to eternity without in betweens,
- still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
- sales talk from sales assistants
- when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
- no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
- love's on arrival,
- she comes when she comes,
- right on the target but wide of the mark...
- %
- B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
- %
- Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
- -- Nicolas Chamfort
- %
- Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
- popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
- blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
- back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
- kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
- give you $10 for a blow job."
- The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
- killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
- you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
- Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
- No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
- %
- Balls Law:
- The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
- of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
- %
- BALTIMORE:
- Where the women wear turtleneck
- sweaters to hide their flea collars.
- %
- Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
- %
- Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
- Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
- Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
- Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
- -- Tom Lehrer
- %
- BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
- %
- Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
- %
- Beauty, n:
- The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
- %
- Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
- %
- Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
- repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
- more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
- get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
- bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
- love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
- too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
- care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
- aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
- if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
- unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
- men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
- made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
- we are part of the women's liberation movement.
- %
- Bedfellows make strange politicians.
- %
- beef stroganoff, n:
- A bull masturbating.
- %
- "Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
- confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
- "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
- replied.
- "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
- %
- Beifeld's Principle:
- The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
- young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
- is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
- better-looking and richer male friend.
- -- R. Beifeld
- %
- Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
- To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
- %
- Bend over and take it like a man!
- %
- Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
- For her life held no terrors.
- A virgin born, a virgin died:
- No hits, no runs, no errors.
- %
- Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
- They buried him today,
- He lived the life of Riley,
- While Riley was away.
- %
- Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
- Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
- Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
- It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
- %
- Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
- %
- BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
- The single girl's motto.
- %
- Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- -- Mae West
- %
- Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
- %
- Bi now, gay later!
- %
- Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
- generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
- prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
- and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
- you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
- isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
- remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
- with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
- A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
- can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely
- erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
- results.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
- %
- Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
- discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
- can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
- don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
- %
- Birth, copulation and death.
- That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
- Birth, copulation and death.
- -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
- %
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- -- Woody Allen
- %
- Bitch, bitch, bitch --
- That's all I ever hear,
- Ever since the dog ate the baby,
- "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
- %
- Blow it out your ass!
- %
- Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
- sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St.
- Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk
- driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
- %
- BOHICA:
- Bend over, here it comes again.
- %
- Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
- your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's
- one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
- but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
- feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
- something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
- because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
- mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
- self to try it.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
- Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
- %
- Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
- %
- Breakfast sometime?
- Sure.
- Shall I call you or just nudge you?
- %
- Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
- Held venal traffic with a gnu.
- Mistaking fore for aft one morn
- Impaled herself upon its horn.
- Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun
- our furred and feathered friends.
- %
- Brigands will demand your money or
- your life, but a woman will demand both.
- -- Samuel Butler
- %
- Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
- %
- Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
- [reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
- -- NY Times
- %
- Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
- week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
- students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
- with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
- the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
- to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing
- revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
- the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
- campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
- Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
- addition to the usual humiliation.
- %
- brunette bush, n:
- The dark side of the moon.
- %
- bug, n:
- A son of a glitch.
- %
- Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
- Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
- The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
- cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
- tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
- -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
- %
- "But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
- -- Anonymous med school student.
- %
- But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
- Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
- -- S.I. Hayakawa
- %
- But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
- -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
- %
- Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
- -- Lord Beaverbrook
- %
- By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
- get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- -- Socrates
- %
- CAD:
- A man who doesn't tell his wife
- that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
- %
- CALIFORNIA:
- From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
- Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
- "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
- -- Ed Moran, Covina, California
- %
- Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
- %
- callgirl, n:
- A negotiable blond.
- %
- Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
- -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
- %
- Camille's Axiom:
- If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
- I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
- %
- Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
- -- From the movie "Outrageous"
- %
- CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
- You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
- They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
- That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare
- recipients are Cancer people.
- %
- Candy
- Is dandy
- But liquor
- Is quicker.
- -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
- Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
- Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
- and sex won't rot your teeth.
- %
- Captain Hook died of jock itch.
- %
- "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
- the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
- client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
- a hole in the ground."
- %
- Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when
- Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
- -- Bill Marr
- %
- Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
- Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll:
- Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black,
- Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight;
- En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end.
- -- Edward Gorey
- %
- Chaste makes waste.
- %
- Chastity:
- The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
- -- Aldous Huxley
- %
- CHASTITY BELT:
- An anti-trust suit.
- (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
- %
- Chastity is its own punishment.
- %
- Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
- bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
- I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
- It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded,
- middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
- beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
- to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to
- a wedding?"
- He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
- yeah."
- He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You
- know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
- %
- Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
- Jack Frost ripping up your nose
- Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
- And folks dressed up like buffaloes
- Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
- Helps to make the season right
- Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
- Will find it hard to see tonight
- They know that Santa's on his way
- He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
- And every mother's child is sure to spy
- To see if reindeer really scream when they die
- And so I'm offering this simple phrase
- To kids from one to ninety two
- Although it's been said many times, many ways
- Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
- %
- Chorus:
- I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
- I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
- And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
- I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
- I don't want me pecker blown away,
- I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
- And fornicate me bloody life away!!
- Monday I touched her on the ankle,
- Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
- And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
- And Thursday I saw you know what,
- Friday I put me 'and upon it,
- Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
- And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
- And now she pays me forty quid a week!
- Oh, blimey...
- [chorus]
- %
- CHRIST:
- A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
- %
- Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
- committing them?
- -- Jules Feiffer
- %
- CHRISTIAN:
- One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
- book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
- %
- CHRISTIAN:
- One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
- as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
- %
- Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in
- a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
- In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
- %
- CHRISTMAS:
- A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
- salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
- response time of the entire year.
- %
- CHRISTMAS:
- A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
- deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our
- choice.
- %
- Christmas comes but once a year,
- A time for love and laughter;
- You can come much more than that,
- But you have to clean up after.
- %
- Cinderella 10:
- A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
- then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
- %
- Clark Kent is a transvestite.
- %
- Clarke's Third Law:
- Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
- magic.
- G's Third Law:
- In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
- is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
- H's Dictum:
- There is no magic ...
- %
- Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
- and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
- -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
- %
- Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead.
- %
- clitoris, n:
- A haired trigger.
- %
- CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
- Oh, give me a clone
- Of my own flesh and bone
- With the Y chromosome changed to X.
- And when she is grown,
- My very own clone,
- We'll be of the opposite sex.
- Chorus:
- Clone, clone of my own,
- With the Y chromosome changed to X.
- And when we're alone,
- Since her mind is my own,
- She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
- -- Randall Garrett
- %
- Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
- %
- COCAINE:
- The thinking man's Dristan.
- %
- Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
- %
- Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
- %
- Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years.
- -- Tallulah Bankhead
- %
- Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
- %
- Cocaine's a joke!
- (Who's got the next line?)
- %
- cock-sucker, n:
- Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
- %
- Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
- What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
- -- Orben's Current Comedy
- %
- Coito ergo sum
- %
- coitus interruptus, n:
- A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
- "I want to have your child."
- %
- Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
- ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
- endure marriage. But she?
- -- Franz Kafka
- %
- COLD:
- When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
- %
- cold, adj:
- When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
- %
- College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
- and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
- %
- Come along and sing a song and join our family.
- B & D
- S & M
- Post to A.S.B.!
- Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
- B & D
- S & M
- Post to A.S.B.!
- A.S.B.!
- (A.S.B.!)
- A.S.B.!
- (A.S.B.!)
- Come on now, let's try another tie!
- (Tie! Tie! Tie!)
- All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
- B & D
- S & M
- Post on A.S.B.!
- -- To the Mickey Mouse March
- %
- Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
- Catholic girls start much too late,
- Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
- I might as well be the one.
- Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
- Built you a temple and locked you away,
- Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
- The things that you might have done.
- So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
- Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
- That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
- Never lets in the sun.
- Darling, only the good die young!
- -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
- %
- Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
- -- Mae West
- %
- COMMENT:
- A superfluous element of a source program included so the
- programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
- six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according
- to those who think they aren't.
- %
- Communists do it without class.
- %
- Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
- %
- computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
- Hot Apple pie.
- %
- Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
- [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
- %
- Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
- -- Robin Williams
- %
- Confucius say:
- man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
- man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
- man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
- modern house without toilet uncanny.
- man with athletic finger make broad jump
- woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
- they shoot.
- man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
- woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
- child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
- turn out to be shiftless bastard.
- a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
- man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
- %
- Confucius say:
- man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
- man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
- man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
- boy who play with himself pulls boner.
- woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
- man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
- man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
- man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
- man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
- get exhausted.
- %
- Confucius say:
- woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
- woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
- next spring.
- man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
- passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
- man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
- man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
- woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
- woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
- Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
- squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
- eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
- seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
- %
- Confucius say:
- woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
- fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
- woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
- man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
- man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
- man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
- man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
- man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
- man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
- man who streak unsuited for work.
- woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
- man who beat off in car have hot rod.
- %
- CONFUSION:
- One woman plus one left turn.
- EXCITEMENT:
- Two women plus one secret.
- BEDLAM:
- Three women plus one bargain.
- CHAOS:
- Four women plus one luncheon check.
- %
- confusion, n:
- Father's Day in San Francisco.
- %
- CONSULTANT:
- Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
- %
- continental breakfast, n:
- A roll in bed with some honey.
- %
- Coors, n:
- Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
- %
- Copa-ulation:
- (to the tune of Copacabana)
- Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
- She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
- And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
- And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
- His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
- Won't you order one?
- At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
- Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
- But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
- Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
- She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
- But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
- But a real good time ...
- %
- Couples in motion have moments.
- %
- courage, n:
- Two cannibals having oral sex.
- %
- Cover your stump before you hump.
- Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
- Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
- Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
- If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
- -- National Condom Week
- %
- Cox's philosophy:
- Life's a bitch, then you die.
- %
- coyote love, n:
- Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
- bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
- chew off your arm at the shoulder.
- coyote ugly, adj:
- When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
- a one-armed man!
- %
- coyote love, n:
- Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
- bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
- chew off your arm at the shoulder.
- coyote ugly, adj:
- When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
- a one-armed man!
- See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
- as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
- %
- "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
- and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
- because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
- more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
- entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
- honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
- to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
- general understanding of science as an enterprise?
- -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
- %
- crew, n:
- Eight big men and their cute little cox.
- %
- Crinklaw's Observation:
- Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
- marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
- %
- Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
- %
- Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
- %
- Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
- "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
- "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
- captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
- %
- Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
- Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
- I really must beg your pardon,
- But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
- From beating my meat, against the seat,
- Of a bicycle built for two.
- -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
- %
- Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.
- %
- Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
- -- Raymond Chandler
- %
- Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
- FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
- %
- Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
- from Avis again.
- -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
- axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
- rented car.
- If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on
- me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
- -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
- arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
- At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
- stand-up guy.
- Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
- He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
- path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
- sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
- Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
- you wish to say?"
- "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
- got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
- you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
- -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
- %
- Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
- %
- Dave has an aeroplane,
- In which he likes to frisk.
- Oh what a foolish boy,
- His silly *.
- %
- David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
- %
- Dear Abby:
- I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was
- a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my
- sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother
- is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
- Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
- for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very
- much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
- My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
- Sincerely,
- Undecided.
- %
- Dear Abby:
- I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
- think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
- from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
- --Confused
- Dear Confused:
- If she coughs, fuck her.
- %
- Dear Ann Landers:
- I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
- Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
- in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
- I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
- sells narcotics.
- I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
- she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love
- this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her
- about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
- -- Confused.
- %
- Dear Ann Landers:
- My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims
- one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to
- know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something.
- -- E.J. Mayfield
- %
- Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
- This visage meek and humble,
- And hear this confidential plea
- Voiced in reverent mumble:
- Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
- But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
- -- Ansel Adams
- %
- Dear Miss Manners:
- Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
- Gentle Reader:
- Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
- If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
- discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
- and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
- along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If,
- however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
- intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
- pink tongue.
- %
- Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
- telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
- "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
- %
- Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
- housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
- The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
- were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
- him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
- put one in whatever he's drinking."
- Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
- and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
- up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
- dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
- they were aspirin.
- When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
- the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
- of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
- "What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
- "See that mosquito?" he replied.
- %
- Dial 911. Make a cop come.
- %
- diaphragm, n:
- A childproof cap.
- %
- dicker, v:
- What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
- %
- Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
- -- Ed Sanders
- %
- Did you hear about...
- the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
- %
- Did you hear about...
- the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
- %
- Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
- her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
- ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that
- she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next
- question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told
- him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
- again.
- Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply
- asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
- had found the answers to all of his questions!
- "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
- 125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
- %
- Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
- %
- Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
- You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
- %
- Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
- Found the body.
- %
- Did you know that some people your age have sex
- thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after?
- %
- Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
- %
- Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
- %
- Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
- room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild!
- -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
- %
- Disclaimer of the Week:
- Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
- %
- Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
- As human gods aim for their mark,
- Make everything from toy guns that spark
- To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
- It's easy to see without looking too far
- That not much is really sacred.
- %
- Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
- %
- DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
- UP PERISCOPE!!!
- (Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
- %
- divorce, n:
- A change of wife.
- %
- Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
- %
- Do married women make the best wives?
- %
- Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
- step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
- -- DeGourmont
- %
- Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
- For though the world stood up
- And stopped the bastard,
- The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
- -- Bertolt Brecht
- %
- Do something big -- fuck a giant.
- %
- "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
- "Who else?" answered the patient.
- %
- Do you smoke after sex?
- Why, do you know, I've never looked!
- %
- Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
- %
- Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very,
- very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
- -- Dick Brandon
- %
- Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him?
- -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
- %
- Does it rape elephants?
- -- Brent Byer
- %
- Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
- It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
- %
- Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
- are strange as hell.
- -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
- %
- Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
- Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
- Just sit in the sand
- And do it by hand,
- And buy bonds with the money you save.
- %
- Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
- %
- Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the
- idea that I'm knocking the American system.
- -- Al Capone
- %
- Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
- -- Woody Allen
- %
- Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
- -- Woody Allen
- %
- Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
- -- Bo Diddley
- %
- Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
- %
- Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
- %
- Dope will get you through times of no money
- better than money will get you through times of no dope!
- -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
- %
- Down by the old model T,
- Where she first showed it to me.
- It was furry and black,
- And she called it a crack,
- But it looked like a manhole to me.
- %
- Draft beer, not boys!
- %
- Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
- but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
- exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
- -- Grace Slick
- %
- Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
- %
- Dull women have immaculate homes.
- %
- During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
- Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
- Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I
- read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
- that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
- said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
- well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
- the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
- misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
- say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
- nuts.'"
- -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
- %
- dyke, n:
- A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own
- tampons.
- %
- Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
- %
- Dyslexics have more fnu.
- %
- DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
- %
- Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
- %
- Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
- %
- Eat shit and die a virgin!
- %
- Economists are still trying to figure out why the
- girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
- %
- EE's do it without shorts.
- %
- Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
- -- Chinese Proverb
- %
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- -- Jackie Mason
- %
- Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
- 1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
- and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
- 2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
- 3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
- ...is married
- ...is on penicillin
- ...likes you -- but loves your brother!
- 4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
- 5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
- 6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
- 7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
- 8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
- 9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
- 10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
- 11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
- %
- embarrassment, n:
- Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
- %
- Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
- professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
- as a male schlemiel.
- -- Ewald Nyquist
- %
- Erogenous zone, n:
- The skin you touch to love.
- %
- eternity, n:
- The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
- %
- Evangelists do it with Him watching.
- %
- Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
- %
- Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
- (Tell mate you have to work late.)
- %
- Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
- wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
- -- George Carlin
- %
- Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
- Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
- %
- Every harlot was a virgin once.
- -- William Blake
- %
- Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
- closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
- like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
- and at least a pint of ether.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
- %
- Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
- closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
- drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
- %
- Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
- closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
- then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
- %
- Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
- Amen!"
- Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?"
- Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
- Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?"
- New-Bruce: "No!"
- Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
- Rule One!"
- Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
- Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
- in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?"
- Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
- Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
- drinking. Rule Five..."
- Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
- Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..."
- Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!"
- Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This
- here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
- bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen!
- -- Monty Python
- %
- Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
- Except for women.
- %
- Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
- Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
- and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
- %
- Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
- are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
- Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
- cats.
- You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
- They're neat.
- They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
- about it.
- They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
- They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
- What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
- It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
- do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
- %
- Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
- -- Ellyn Mustard
- %
- exotic dancer, n:
- A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
- %
- falsie salesman, n:
- Fuller bust man.
- %
- Famous last words:
- 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
- 2: You and what army?
- 3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
- 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
- be a cop.
- 5: I don't see how they make a profit
- out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
- 6: We're just getting into semantics again.
- 7: Everything's under control.
- 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me!
- %
- Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
- of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
- long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
- -- James Joyce
- %
- Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
- She was a virgin tried and true
- Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
- There ain't nothin' she won't do!
- Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
- Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
- Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
- That's why caviar is my dish!
- Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
- He was a man of ninety-three
- Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
- He had chased her up a tree!
- (chorus)
- %
- felt tip, v:
- Past tense for a breast examination!
- %
- Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a
- flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
- -- Rita Rudner
- %
- female, n:
- Life support system for a pussy.
- %
- Feminism, n:
- A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
- both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
- %
- Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
- %
- Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
- women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
- handbags are full.
- -- Earl Wilson
- %
- Fie for shame,
- you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
- libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
- %
- Fig Newton.
- %
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- %
- Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
- Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
- -- Geoffrey Chaucer
- %
- Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
- Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name?
- Tarzan: Tarzan first name.
- Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
- Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes.
- Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
- Tarzan: That Jane.
- Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
- Tarzan: Cunt.
- %
- First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional,
- Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional,
- Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll
- And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original.
- Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer,
- You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
- Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight,
- Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate!
- Doin' the Vatican Rag.
- So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen,
- Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman,
- Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria,
- And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya,
- Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
- -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
- %
- Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
- He was born in Palestine
- Has anybody seen my Lord?
- He's so cool, he's so fine
- Eat his bread and drink his wine
- Has anybody seen my Lord?
- He's so neat, he's so cool,
- Walks across my swimming pool.
- Has anybody...
- %
- Flirt, n:
- A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
- %
- Floating idly one day through the air,
- A circus performer named Blair,
- Tied a sizeable rock,
- To the end of his cock,
- And shattered a balcony chair.
- %
- Floppy now, hard later.
- %
- Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself
- to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
- by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
- bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
- life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno
- gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
- and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
- Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
- a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final
- appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
- Mr. Joe Gideon!!
- -- All That Jazz
- %
- For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie.
- %
- For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy.
- %
- For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael.
- %
- For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
- Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
- He's endowed with a dong
- That is 12 inches long,
- So he wedges his foot in the door.
- %
- For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
- -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
- When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
- -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
- %
- For children, a woman.
- For pleasure, a boy.
- For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
- %
- For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
- exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
- raised!
- %
- For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
- sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
- simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
- alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
- one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was
- over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
- sweetheart?"
- He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
- cocksucker!"
- %
- fornication, n:
- Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
- %
- FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
- Sex:
- Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
- foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
- Maturity:
- Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
- function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
- and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
- romances rarely work out.
- Handwriting:
- To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
- chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
- "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
- "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
- when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
- %
- FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
- Sexual frequency:
- The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
- morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
- have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
- Shopping:
- It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
- Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
- will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
- He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
- color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
- half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
- his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
- relax.
- %
- Fortune Personals:
- SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
- own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
- only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
- %
- Fortune presents:
- USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
- Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
- Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
- Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
- Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
- contraceptives.
- ^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
- %
- Fortune presents:
- USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
- Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
- Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
- Inkvizicion. Inquisition.
- La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
- Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
- ^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
- vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
- %
- Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
- Try:
- [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell)
- ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell)
- "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
- %blow (C shell)
- 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell)
- got a light? (C shell)
- !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell)
- PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell)
- make love
- make "the perfect dry martini"
- man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD)
- i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell)
- %
- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
- You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
- proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
- proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
- your coffee. You:
- (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
- (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
- (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
- "In" basket.
- (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
- %
- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
- You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
- tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
- live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
- (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
- remember your name.
- (b) Ask what position she played.
- (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
- (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
- if he recognizes the label.
- %
- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
- You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
- your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into
- the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
- to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
- in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
- his daughter. Your next move is to:
- (a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
- (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy.
- (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
- daughter and get her number.
- (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
- %
- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
- You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
- and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
- there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
- (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
- name.
- (b) Ask what position she played.
- (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
- he recognizes the label.
- %
- FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
- You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
- in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
- egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
- Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
- bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
- (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
- (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
- (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
- %
- Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
- could go either way.
- %
- Fortune's Guide to Movies:
- G: No girl.
- PG: The hero gets the girl.
- R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
- X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
- which end it will be.
- XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
- %
- Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
- Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
- you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
- If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
- you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
- of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
- Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do
- you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
- rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
- not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
- Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
- "certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
- they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you
- don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
- are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
- scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
- rational discussion. (See above.)
- %
- Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
- The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
- recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
- 30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
- final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
- the author of that memo:
- 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
- 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
- cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
- are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
- 3: something unpleasant.
- The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
- has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern
- electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
- of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
- the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
- a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
- %
- FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
- Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
- %
- FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
- Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
- %
- Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
- Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
- shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
- one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
- us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
- "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
- medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
- decided to have the vagina removed."
- The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
- mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
- these years?"
- %
- France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
- the toilet paper.
- -- Billy Wilder
- %
- From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
- fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
- moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
- whispered,
- "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
- inches?"
- There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
- "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
- in a row!"
- %
- Fuck art; let's dance!
- %
- Fuck off and die!
- %
- Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
- %
- Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
- %
- fuck-me-pumps, n:
- Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
- The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with
- heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
- them properly.
- %
- fuckoff, n:
- The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
- %
- Gardeners do it in raised beds.
- %
- GARTER:
- An elastic band intended to keep a woman
- from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
- %
- Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
- Donna Rice home.
- %
- GAY:
- One who'd rather swish than fight.
- %
- GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
- you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
- little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
- %
- Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
- -- Mae West
- %
- Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
- %
- George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
- find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
- leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
- bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
- foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
- another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
- at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
- %
- George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
- also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
- Because George still had the axe in his hand.
- %
- GEORGIA:
- Where kinky sex means getting laid.
- %
- "Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
- "Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
- "Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!"
- "The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
- "Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
- you'd like to go out with me!"
- Oh my god you little Geek!
- Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
- I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
- You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue,
- I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
- I'm too hot, too hot for you.
- Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh!
- I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
- You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face,
- Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race.
- I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme,
- But you'll only see me in you dreams.
- "Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you.
- "Well, she didn't say no..."
- -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
- %
- GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
- %
- Get your bytes from our backend!
- -- Britton Lee
- %
- Getting an education at the University of California
- is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
- %
- Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
- Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
- But her genital area
- Is so vast it'll scareya,
- And you venture inside at your peril.
- %
- Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
- Lean closer.
- Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
- Smile at her *knowingly*.
- Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
- Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side.
- Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
- Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two.
- Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
- Look sincere.
- "Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
- God's gift to women strikes again.
- -- J. Feiffer
- %
- Gimme that old bisexuality,
- Gimme that old bisexuality,
- Gimme that old bisexuality,
- 'Cause it's good enough for me!
- It was good for David Bowie,
- It was good for David Bowie,
- It was good for David Bowie,
- And it's good enough for me!
- %
- Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
- -- Archie Goodwin
- %
- Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
- %
- Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
- that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
- certain curvilinear properties.
- -- Ashley Montagu
- %
- Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
- yourself!
- %
- Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
- however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
- upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
- have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
- -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
- %
- Girls who throw themselves at men,
- are actually taking very careful aim.
- %
- Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
- %
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- -- Mae West
- %
- Give me Librium or give me Meth.
- %
- Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
- %
- GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
- A girl into choral sex.
- %
- Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
- and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
- %
- God is a polytheist.
- %
- God is an atheist.
- %
- God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
- %
- God is not dead -- he's been busted.
- %
- God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
- on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
- divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No
- checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
- -- Lazarus Long
- %
- God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
- %
- God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
- %
- God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
- %
- God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
- %
- God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
- where to go.
- "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
- "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
- "Well, how about Mercury?"
- "No, it's too hot there."
- "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
- "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
- there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
- still talking about it."
- %
- God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
- Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
- will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
- in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
- for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
- over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
- turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent
- bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
- impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
- for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
- without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
- dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
- (hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well
- that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
- expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
- %
- Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
- is fatal to a virgin.
- -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
- %
- Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
- Sold in a market down in New Orleans
- Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
- Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
- Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
- Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
- Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
- Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
- House boy knows that he's doing alright
- You should a heard him just around midnight.
- ...
- I bet your mama was tent show queen
- And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
- I'm no school boy but I know what I like
- You should have heard me just around midnight.
- -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
- %
- Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
- "fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
- It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
- Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
- unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
- the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this
- simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
- Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
- able to get loose.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
- %
- Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
- Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
- Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
- isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
- It's swell to have a Stiffy,
- it's divine to have a Dick,
- from the tiniest little Tadger,
- to the world's greatest Prick.
- So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
- Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
- Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
- your Porky or your Cock,
- you can wrap it up in ribbons,
- you can stick it in your sock!
- But, don't take it out in public,
- or they will stick you in the dock,
- and you won't come back.
- -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
- %
- good scout, n:
- Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
- %
- Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his
- window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so*
- good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
- voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and
- the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but
- great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
- Gorbachev then woke up Raisa and his closest aides, brought them into his
- bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply,
- "Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
- Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
- day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
- Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he
- dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window,
- Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
- you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
- asshole! I'm in the West now!"
- %
- Grain grows best in shit.
- -- U.K. LeGuin
- %
- Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
- %
- Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
- %
- great lover, n:
- A man who can breathe through his ears.
- %
- GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917
- On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
- Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought
- them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
- I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from
- his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
- in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
- men stood lookout.
- %
- Gross, adj.:
- When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
- %
- Gross, adj.:
- When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
- slips you some tongue.
- %
- Gynecologist, n:
- Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
- %
- HACKER:
- A master byter.
- %
- Hackers do it bottom-up.
- %
- Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
- %
- Hackers do it with bugs.
- %
- Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
- %
- Hackers have kernel knowledge.
- %
- Hackers know all the right MOVs.
- %
- Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
- are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
- is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
- -- From alt.sex
- %
- Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
- %
- Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
- Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
- Babies' diapers. --
- Bottom wipers. --
- Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
- %
- Handy hint:
- A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
- when you're out of tampons.
- %
- Hang gliders come down very slowly.
- %
- Hangover, n:
- The burden of proof.
- %
- HAPPINESS:
- Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
- %
- Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
- mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference
- between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
- or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses
- his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
- Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
- -- Tom Robbins
- %
- Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
- 22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The
- determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
- program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
- lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the
- rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
- On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
- by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How
- could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
- "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
- recognize you."
- %
- Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
- when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
- boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
- off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
- that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
- he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
- a stretcher.
- "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
- Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
- enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
- "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
- feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
- Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
- "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
- Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
- %
- Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
- America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
- difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we
- got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
- by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
- but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our
- attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
- General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
- up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
- thought of this...
- %
- Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
- President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got
- my period."
- -- Steven Moore
- %
- Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
- uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
- if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
- laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
- other parts of our bodies are dumber.
- %
- Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I
- mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
- water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
- is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
- don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a
- damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
- Shirley" week after week.
- -- Dave Barry
- %
- Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
- Like some bright erotic star,
- He lights up the proceedings,
- And raises the temperature.
- -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
- %
- Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
- for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
- attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
- as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
- Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
- finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
- -- R.E. Masters
- %
- Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
- satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
- powers.
- After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
- Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
- the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
- work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
- As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
- he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
- "Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
- He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
- The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
- "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
- Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
- and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
- "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
- "Beep-beep!"
- "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
- "What's all this beep-beep shit?"
- %
- Having made a remark rather coarse,
- A young lady was seized with remorse;
- She fled from the room,
- And later, a groom
- Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
- -- Edward Gorey
- %
- He: Am I... am I your first?
- She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
- %
- He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
- She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
- %
- He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
- She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
- %
- He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
- But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
- -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
- %
- He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
- muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
- But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
- a pocket camera?
- -- An Exciting Journey
- %
- He dove down overweighted with lead.
- Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
- He flapped and he flailed,
- Spit his hose and he wailed,
- Swallowed water and found himself dead.
- %
- He drank with curvy Mable,
- The pace was fast and furious,
- He slid beneath the table,
- Not drunk but merely curious.
- %
- He grabbed me by my slender neck,
- I could not call or scream.
- He dragged me to his tiny room,
- Where we could not be seen.
- He tore away my filmy wrap,
- And gazed upon my form.
- I so cold and frightened,
- While he so strong and warm.
- He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
- I gave him every drop.
- He drained me of my very self,
- I could not make him stop!
- And that is why you see me here,
- An empty, broken bottle of beer...
- %
- He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
- So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
- unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
- do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
- hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
- "We've got her here, but only for the day."
- The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
- into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
- cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
- but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
- that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
- asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
- "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
- of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
- a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
- "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
- great!"
- The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
- a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
- %
- He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
- %
- He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
- %
- He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
- scared it'd get serious.
- %
- He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
- %
- He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth
- and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
- -- Fred Allen
- %
- He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
- Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
- It's the only job he's qualified for!
- -- Michael Cain
- %
- He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
- %
- He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
- pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
- %
- He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
- %
- He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
- sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
- -- Howard Kandel
- %
- Hear about...
- one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
- have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
- %
- Hear about...
- the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
- Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
- %
- Hear about...
- the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
- the bed?
- %
- Hear about...
- the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
- started chiseling on his wife?
- %
- Hear about...
- the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
- his whatchamacalit?
- %
- Hear about...
- the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
- demanded a salary on next week's advance?
- %
- Hear about...
- the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
- Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
- %
- Hear about...
- the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
- go up on him?
- %
- Hear about...
- the careless canary that did it for a lark?
- %
- Hear about...
- the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
- %
- Hear about...
- the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
- The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
- which end it will be.
- %
- Hear about...
- the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
- a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
- %
- Hear about...
- the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
- %
- Hear about...
- the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
- wrong foot?
- %
- Hear about...
- the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't
- get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
- %
- Hear about...
- the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
- everybody in the joint?
- %
- Hear about...
- the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
- asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
- %
- Hear about...
- the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
- next morning found she was six months pregnant?
- %
- Hear about...
- the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
- fired them?
- %
- Hear about...
- The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
- her between the limbs?
- %
- Hear about...
- the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
- %
- Hear about...
- the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
- accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
- %
- Hear about...
- the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
- %
- Hear about...
- the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
- %
- Hear about...
- the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
- delinquency of a major?
- %
- Hear about...
- the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
- to the front?
- %
- Hear about...
- the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
- education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
- %
- Hear about...
- the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
- then his wife didn't leave town?
- %
- Hear about...
- the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
- marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
- %
- Hear about...
- the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
- sailors?
- %
- Hear about...
- the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
- so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
- %
- Hear about...
- the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
- such a sweet liquor?
- %
- Hear about...
- the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
- off?
- %
- Hear about...
- the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost
- his ball bearings.
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
- lost his ball bearings?
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
- Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
- he'd never be able to face his girl again?
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
- %
- Hear about...
- the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
- %
- Hear about...
- the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
- assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
- %
- Hear about...
- the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
- so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
- %
- Hear about...
- the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
- %
- Hear about...
- the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
- a lot more than letters behind the files?
- %
- Hear about...
- the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
- with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
- %
- Hear about...
- the little boy that found a fifty cent
- piece, so he went home for some money?
- %
- Hear about...
- the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
- for some money?
- %
- Hear about...
- the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
- Palm Sunday, of course.
- %
- Hear about...
- the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
- York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
- %
- Hear about...
- the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
- he'd never be able to face his girl again?
- %
- Hear about...
- the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
- that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
- %
- Hear about...
- the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
- and they eat each other.
- %
- Hear about...
- the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
- crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
- %
- Hear about...
- the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
- Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
- %
- Hear about...
- the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
- single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
- %
- Hear about...
- the new rule at the girls' school?
- Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
- %
- Hear about...
- the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
- it makes men cocky and women lay better?
- %
- Hear about...
- the nurse they thought had drowned
- until they found her under the doc?
- %
- Hear about...
- the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
- %
- Hear about...
- the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
- %
- Hear about...
- the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
- %
- Hear about...
- the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
- a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
- %
- Hear about...
- the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
- without getting any mail in her box?
- %
- Hear about...
- the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
- men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
- %
- Hear about...
- the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
- someone would grab his seat?
- %
- Hear about...
- the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
- %
- Hear about...
- the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
- %
- Hear about...
- the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
- %
- Hear about...
- the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
- wide receiver?
- %
- Hear about...
- the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
- off the sofa?
- %
- Hear about...
- the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
- to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
- %
- Hear about...
- the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
- feel like a new man?
- %
- Hear about...
- the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
- new man?
- %
- Hear about...
- the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
- By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
- %
- Hear about...
- the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
- Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
- she's a wonderful mount?
- %
- Hear about the...
- guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
- if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
- %
- Hear that...
- bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
- Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
- %
- Hear that...
- the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
- in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
- in good standing?
- %
- Hear that...
- the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
- collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
- %
- Hear that...
- the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
- "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
- %
- Hear that...
- there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
- tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
- %
- Hear that...
- those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
- version -- with nuts of course?
- %
- Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
- Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
- %
- He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
- They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
- So he put Spanish fly
- In their pudding and pie
- And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
- %
- Heisenberg may have done it.
- %
- "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
- "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
- It's not that I funk
- At a mouthful of spunk,
- But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
- %
- "Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
- -- Zippy the Pinhead
- %
- Hello, children!!
- This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
- Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
- and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
- One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
- tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
- grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
- hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
- Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
- He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
- pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
- of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
- Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
- oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
- glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
- and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
- the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
- %
- Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
- -- Bisexuality, 101
- %
- Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.)
- %
- HENPECKED HUSBAND:
- One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
- %
- Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
- %
- Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
- Just gave birth to another Texan.
- %
- Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
- of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
- the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
- when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
- suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
- over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until
- one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
- an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
- stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
- illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
- court was going to take a nap.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
- %
- Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
- The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
- He spent his life in a futile hunt,
- To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
- And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
- 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
- %
- Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
- She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
- She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
- She has the box the cherry came in.
- %
- Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
- She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
- She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
- She makes things stand that have no feet.
- %
- Here's to the girl that's sweet,
- Here's to the girl that's true,
- Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
- In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
- the rest of the night?
- %
- Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
- she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
- she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
- can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
- %
- Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
- into her hands.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
- %
- HERMIT:
- A man who'd rather get off by himself.
- %
- HERPES:
- The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
- Much better.
- %
- He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
- -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
- %
- He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
- read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
- %
- He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
- he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
- %
- Hey baby!
- How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
- %
- HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
- A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
- become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just
- like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
- They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents
- today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the
- male or female edition.
- %
- HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
- Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
- Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
- for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
- %
- HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
- Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
- oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
- %
- Hickory Dickory Dock,
- Three mice ran up a clock!
- The clock struck one,
- Right in the balls!
- There was an old woman,
- Who lived in a shoe,
- Who had so many children,
- Her uterus fell right out.
- %
- Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational
- Yale University Extracurricular
- Gave up misogyny Heterosexual
- Opened its door. Fun is in store.
- %
- Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
- %
- Home is where the hurt is.
- -- Strange de Jim
- %
- Honest, officer, had I known my health was
- in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
- %
- HONOR:
- Almost as good as in 'er.
- %
- horny, adj:
- When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
- %
- Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
- Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another
- weak sister to be shored up.
- -- J.R. Ewing
- %
- HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
- Vol. I -- Etiquette
- 1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
- scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
- 2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
- 3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
- it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
- seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
- 4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
- 5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
- toy submarine.
- %
- How can you say that the world isn't
- Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
- %
- How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
- %
- How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
- government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
- gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle.
- We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
- %
- How should they answer?
- -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
- "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
- %
- How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
- Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
- %
- HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
- Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
- Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
- be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
- the keys.
- %
- Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
- -- John Valby
- %
- Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
- %
- Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
- bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
- %
- Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
- %
- hypocrite, n:
- A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
- %
- I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
- country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
- -- Steve Martin
- %
- I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
- You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
- going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
- you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
- a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
- -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
- %
- I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
- perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
- too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
- the one immortal blemish of mankind.
- -- Fredrich Nietzsche
- %
- I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
- I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll
- just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
- about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
- hand on the nuclear button."
- -- Richard Nixon
- %
- I came; I saw; I fucked up.
- %
- I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
- dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
- and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
- -- Betty MacDonald
- %
- I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
- afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
- -- Gore Vidal
- %
- I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
- -- Peter Knight
- %
- I choked Linda Lovelace.
- %
- I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
- but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
- and wallowing in its odor.
- -- Salvador Dali
- %
- I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
- here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
- rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
- 5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after
- absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
- -- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
- Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
- & left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I
- began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
- Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
- they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
- Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
- Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
- week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
- Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
- -- William Cobbett, British journalist
- %
- I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof.
- %
- I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
- -- Bisexuality, 101
- [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
- %
- I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
- -- W.C. Fields
- %
- I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let
- them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
- the plan.
- -- Richard Nixon
- %
- I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
- money and all the pussy.
- -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
- %
- I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
- -- The Undergraduate
- %
- I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
- I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
- If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
- Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
- Breaking My Heart
- Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
- Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
- When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
- With You Is the Pits
- I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
- -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
- %
- "I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
- marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
- %
- I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
- one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
- %
- I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
- It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
- -- P.J. O'Rourke
- %
- I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
- just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
- I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
- And she replied, "A Stetson."
- %
- "I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
- sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
- cows came home."
- %
- I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
- Italians -- they're so Jewish.
- -- Kay Ballard
- %
- I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
- boy, were they mad!
- -- Stephen Wright
- %
- I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve
- years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
- "Made in Taiwan".
- -- The Stunt Man
- %
- I have a funny daddy
- Who goes in and out with me
- And everything that baby does
- Daddy's sure to see,
- And everything that baby says,
- My daddy's sure to tell.
- You must have read my daddy's verse.
- I hope he fries in Hell.
- -- Ogden Nash
- %
- "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
- the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
- the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
- it was enough to make a blown man cry."
- %
- I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
- -- Will Rogers
- %
- I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
- take our fill of love until the morning.
- -- Proverbs 7:17-18
- %
- I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
- but when I tried it I kept falling off.
- %
- I knew Leo G. Carrol
- Was over a barrel
- When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"]
- And I really got hot
- When I saw Jeanette Scott
- Fight a trifid that spits poison and kills.
- Science fiction, double feature
- Doctor X will build a creature.
- See androids fighting Brad and Janet
- Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
- Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
- At the late night, double feature, picture show.
- -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- %
- I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
- Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
- He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
- Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
- I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
- Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
- She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
- Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
- I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
- Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
- She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
- Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
- -- Doctor Dirty
- %
- I know of a fortunate Hindu
- Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
- By the ladies he knows,
- Who are thrilled to the toes
- By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
- %
- I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
- Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
- -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
- %
- I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
- an Englishman in the dark.
- -- Duncan Spaeth
- %
- I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
- %
- I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
- is to bring a New Yorker home first.
- %
- I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
- %
- I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
- into my neighborhood after dark.
- -- Dick Gregory
- %
- I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought
- it was hell.
- -- Harry S. Truman
- %
- I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
- %
- I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
- -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
- %
- I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
- -- Lyndon Johnson
- %
- I only date queers.
- -- Bisexuality, 101
- [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
- %
- I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless
- bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
- as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
- -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
- %
- I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
- intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
- -- J. Edgar Hoover
- %
- I shot a query into the net.
- I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten
- But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
- And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please
- Don't send such drivel overseas;
- A lawyer sent me private mail
- And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax:
- I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
- And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile
- And criticized my writing style.
- Each day I scan each Subject line
- In hopes the topic will be mine;
- I shot a query into the net.
- I haven't got an answer yet...
- -- Ed Nather
- %
- I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
- with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
- -- Barry Goldwater
- I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
- -- Barry Goldwater
- %
- I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
- -- Barry Goldwater
- %
- I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
- -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
- suggestion that all good Christians should be against
- Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
- %
- I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
- than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
- -- Frank Zappa
- %
- I think the Mormon prophet
- Was a very funny man.
- I wonder how his wives enjoyed
- His Prophet Sharing Plan.
- %
- I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
- -- Strange de Jim
- %
- I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we
- had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
- dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
- from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle
- Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
- with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for
- them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
- an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
- of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near
- to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
- What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
- Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
- the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
- of an Untenured Professor?
- -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
- %
- I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
- -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
- %
- I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
- -- Dudley Moore
- %
- I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
- %
- I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
- I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
- -- Firesign Theatre
- %
- I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
- %
- I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
- by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
- about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
- "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
- two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
- As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
- dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
- As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
- that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
- call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
- %
- "I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
- grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up
- and stuck it in my back."
- "What did you do?"
- "What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
- %
- I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
- a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
- of them had V.D.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- I wish I was a fascinating lady
- With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
- I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
- I'd live in a house with a little red light
- And once a month I'd take a small vacation
- And leave all the men to their imagination
- And once in a while I'd go all wild
- And have myself an illegitimate child
- I wish I were a fascinating lady
- Instead I'm the minister's child
- %
- I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
- %
- I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
- having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- -- R. Geis
- %
- I'd like to give the world a hug
- And tell it jokes and stuff
- And pull its pants down to its knees
- And chase it through the rough
- Then tie it up with bonds and straps
- And search its purse for change
- Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
- With our cousin who's deranged ...
- -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
- %
- I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
- %
- "I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young
- man as its logo."
- -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
- %
- I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
- %
- If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
- does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
- %
- If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
- %
- If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
- He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
- %
- If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
- %
- If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
- -- Malcolm Bradbury
- %
- If God had wanted people to give blow
- jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
- %
- If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
- would He have made it look like a taco?
- %
- If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
- %
- If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
- -- George Carlin
- %
- If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
- In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
- If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
- I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
- If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
- Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
- I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
- I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
- I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
- I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
- I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
- I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
- If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
- Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
- I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
- Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
- [Chorus]
- A penis to plunder, a penis to push
- 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
- A penis to love me, a penis to share,
- To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
- -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
- %
- If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
- -- Tommy Earl Bruner
- %
- If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
- %
- If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
- carpenter.
- -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
- %
- If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
- to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
- the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty*
- pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
- lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets
- lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
- think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
- Net Mail ...
- -- Casey Leedom
- %
- If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
- %
- If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
- %
- If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
- %
- If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
- masturbate.
- -- Diogenes the Cynic
- %
- If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
- -- Mel Brooks
- %
- If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
- %
- If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
- suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is
- only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
- in 1966, only two went back to women.
- -- Mort Sahl
- %
- If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
- If they can, then fuck 'em.
- %
- If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
- If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
- %
- If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
- %
- If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
- %
- If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
- %
- If you find for your verse there's no call,
- And you can't afford paper at all,
- For the true poet born,
- However forlorn,
- There is always the lavat'ry wall.
- %
- If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
- %
- If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
- abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
- %
- If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
- town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're
- screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
- ... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
- night.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
- in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
- friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
- like one or the other of you planned.
- %
- If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
- when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
- %
- "I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
- doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
- "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
- out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
- always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
- down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
- side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
- aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
- tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
- gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
- %
- I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
- -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
- %
- I'm a lover not a dancer!
- I'm a lover not a dancer!
- Don't want to be on my feet,
- When I can be on my back,
- Don't want to be on the floor,
- When I can be in the sack!
- I'm a lover not a dancer!
- I'm a lover not a dancer!
- I'm just a little bit tired
- If you know what I mean,
- Don't want to be in a crowd
- When I can be in a dream!
- I'm a lover not a dancer!
- Baby!
- And, baby, let me prove it to you,
- Baby, let me prove it to you!
- -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
- %
- I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
- -- Martin Cruz Smith
- %
- I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
- -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
- in the shade.
- Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
- dropped.
- -- Franklyn Ajaye
- %
- I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
- it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
- government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
- -- Groucho Marx
- %
- I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's
- goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps
- -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are
- goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
- Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
- very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is
- very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
- -- J.F. Kennedy
- %
- I'm not a pheasant plucker,
- I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
- I'm just a'plucking pheasants
- 'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
- -- The Irish Rovers
- %
- "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
- -- NPR
- %
- I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
- -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
- %
- I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
- -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.
- She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
- -- Song title by Jerry Reed.
- When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
- -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.
- I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
- -- Unattributed song title.
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
- -- Unattributed song title.
- %
- I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my
- girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd
- like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
- -- Sam Kinison
- %
- I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
- Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
- I'm getting WARM....
- I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
- ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
- Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
- couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
- %
- Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
- Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
- David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
- And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
- There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
- Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
- John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
- On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
- Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
- Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
- Hobbes was fond of his dram,
- And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
- Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
- A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
- -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
- %
- impotent loser, n:
- Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
- %
- In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
- what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
- Finally they decide:
- "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
- bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
- Finally a telegram comes back:
- "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
- %
- In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
- chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
- principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
- sucked into it.
- %
- In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
- Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
- His wife said, "Oh, stuff
- That philosophy guff
- Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
- %
- In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
- Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
- with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
- Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
- soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
- -- Firesign Theatre
- %
- In days of old, when knights were bold,
- And rubbers weren't invented,
- They tied their socks around their cocks
- And babies were prevented.
- %
- In France they piss on Main Street
- (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
- -- Joni Mitchell
- %
- In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
- its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
- %
- In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
- %
- In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
- he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
- has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated
- that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
- ago."
- -- Dennis Miller, SNL News
- %
- In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form.
- And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto
- their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
- And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
- "It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
- Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
- "It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
- may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
- spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
- of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."
- And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
- Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
- very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
- Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
- growth of the Laboratories."
- And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
- %
- In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
- beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
- evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all
- evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning
- the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her
- bed watching him. Finally, she said softly,
- "Didn't you forget something?"
- "What did I forget?" asked the officer.
- "You forgot about the money," said the lady.
- "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
- "A Polish officer never accepts money."
- %
- In the shade of the old apple tree
- Where between her fat legs I could see
- A little brown spot
- With the hair in a knot,
- And it certainly looked good to me.
- I asked as I tickled her tit
- If she thought that my big thing would fit.
- She said it would do
- So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
- In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
- In the soft dewy grass
- I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
- As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
- Her ass it was fine
- But you should have seen mine
- In the shade of the old apple tree.
- %
- In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
- kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
- kissing him on the balls.
- -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
- %
- Incest, n:
- Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
- %
- Infatuation, n:
- When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
- When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
- %
- In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
- is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
- %
- ====================
- Inter-Dwarf Memo
- To: Dwarf-list
- From: Doc
- Re: S. White
- If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
- her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah,
- surprises.
- %
- ====================
- Inter-Dwarf Memo
- To: Dwarf-list
- From: Happy
- Re: S. White
- Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
- more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day.
- %
- Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since
- the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
- cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
- a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
- Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
- When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came
- in second," Palmer replied.
- "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
- "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did."
- %
- It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
- classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
- %
- It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
- it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
- into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
- -- Voltaire
- %
- It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
- %
- It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
- %
- It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
- general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
- %
- It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
- %
- It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
- Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
- half are doing it.
- -- Winston Churchill
- %
- It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
- damn thing over and over.
- -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
- %
- It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
- You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
- %
- It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
- to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
- -- Voltaire
- %
- It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
- could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
- broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
- -- Schopenhauer
- %
- It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
- war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
- teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
- to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
- mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
- the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
- means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
- of a diabetic ..."
- By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
- registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
- fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
- startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
- finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
- his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
- was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
- all of us foolishly licked that finger.
- "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
- principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
- We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
- anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
- continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
- licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
- %
- It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
- if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
- Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
- but there's just no way for us to know it.
- -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
- %
- It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
- %
- It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
- very unfortunate place to have it.
- -- Malcolm Muggeridge
- %
- It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
- sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
- of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
- "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In
- a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
- The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
- the apparent miracle.
- A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
- moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
- later came back.
- By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
- beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
- teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
- AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
- they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
- The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
- shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
- lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
- the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
- rocks are?"
- %
- It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot
- immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
- on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next
- day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
- %
- It seems that John gets this phone call:
- "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line
- is hard and cold.
- "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months
- ago.
- "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?"
- "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and
- we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant
- and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
- John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well,"
- he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
- %
- It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He
- was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being
- a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
- forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
- from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
- but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
- Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena,
- the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
- gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
- even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he
- pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
- he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
- forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the
- lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
- Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
- upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so
- the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
- "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
- %
- It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
- Especially in a paternity hearing.
- %
- It takes leather balls to play rugby.
- (Blood makes the grass grow!)
- %
- It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
- They can kiss that shit goodbye.
- %
- It was a female that drove me to drink
- and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
- -- R.E. Baber
- %
- It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
- They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
- the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting
- excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse
- off and we'll see what he does?"
- At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
- off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and
- jumping up and down.
- "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all
- your clothes and we'll see what he does."
- Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape
- really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
- in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to
- the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
- "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
- %
- It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
- frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
- bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
- "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
- answered sternly.
- "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
- The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman
- at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would
- you like?"
- "Vinegar and water."
- %
- It was April the 41st,
- Being a quadruple leap year.
- I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
- My Barracuda was in the shop,
- So I was in a rented stingray
- -- and it was over-heating.
- So, I pulled into a Shell station.
- They said I'd blown a seal.
- I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
- life out of it, okay pal?"
- -- Wet Dreams
- %
- It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
- gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
- line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
- Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
- they beautiful?"
- "Just fair," was the answer.
- "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
- asked his opinion.
- "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
- about."
- "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
- you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
- "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
- I'm a tit mouse myself."
- %
- It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
- "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
- dream!"
- Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
- and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
- Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
- sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
- wife."
- "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
- you will!"
- %
- It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
- their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
- "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
- married three times."
- "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
- and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
- of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
- third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
- would be up in 15 minutes.
- %
- It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
- trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
- knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
- in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
- Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on
- the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
- "Tell us a story," begged Mary.
- "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
- her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?"
- "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
- "About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
- %
- It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
- not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or
- written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems
- a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was
- the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
- myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
- my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
- where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
- was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
- our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
- oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I
- would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
- her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese
- don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say,
- because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the
- good things in your life.
- -- Stephen King, "The Body"
- %
- It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
- was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
- upperclassman, he inquired,
- "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
- "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
- sentences with a preposition."
- "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
- is at, asshole?"
- %
- It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
- huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
- jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
- have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
- A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
- I'll be the Daddy."
- "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
- %
- It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know
- what I mean.
- -- David Crosby
- %
- It's a bitch being butch.
- %
- It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
- on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
- %
- It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
- I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
- -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
- of older women versus younger women
- %
- "It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
- in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
- soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
- %
- It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
- -- Joan Rivers
- %
- It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- %
- It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
- %
- It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
- 20-year-old son comes in.
- "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
- bums. Whatta you trying to do?"
- "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
- "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you
- chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
- "Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
- "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka
- likka that?"
- "Papa, we're not Italian."
- %
- It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
- -- Sean O'Huiginn
- %
- It's not pretty being easy.
- %
- It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
- %
- It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
- %
- It's the sighs that count.
- %
- I've been feeling kind of jealous,
- Of all them well-hung fellas,
- Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one,
- Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun,
- I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock.
- If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon,
- They would turn on to my hardon --
- If I only had a cock.
- Oh, I can tell you now,
- The number of times I'd score,
- I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife,
- I never have before, Living a little mouse-life
- And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long.
- And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
- Life would be a ding-a-derry
- If I only had a dong!
- -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
- %
- I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
- on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
- were more than enough.
- %
- I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
- and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
- to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the
- gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
- The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
- the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
- maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
- weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The
- four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
- in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs.
- Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
- have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
- Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can.
- Sincerely,
- Santa
- %
- I've finally found the perfect girl,
- I couldn't ask for more,
- She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
- And owns a liquor store.
- %
- I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson
- Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
- -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
- public toilet during a tour of the Far East
- %
- Jack an Jill went up the hill.
- Jill went down,
- Jack came.
- %
- Jack and Jill went up a hill
- To fetch a pail of water.
- Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill
- And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her,
- Then went down and told the town
- He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
- Jack to Jill thus did such ill
- That Jill, to pay the rotter,
- Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill
- When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter.
- Half the town deals Jill a frown
- And half greets Jack with laughter.
- %
- Jack and Jill went up the hill
- Each had a buck and a quarter.
- Jill came down with two and a half --
- And you thought that they went for water.
- %
- Jack and Jill
- Went up the hill,
- Each had a buck and a quarter!
- Jill came down,
- With two and a half,
- You think they went for water?
- %
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
- Jack jumped over the candle stick,
- And burnt his balls.
- %
- Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
- Jack jumped over the candle stick.
- But Jack wasn't so nimble,
- Jack wasn't so quick,
- So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
- %
- Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
- %
- Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
- %
- Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
- and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
- among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
- Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
- Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
- I'm trying to make a point, here!"
- %
- Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
- %
- Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
- -- Michael O'Donohugh
- %
- Jesus Never Fails
- (He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
- %
- Jesus Saves!
- (And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
- %
- Jesus Saves,
- Moses Invests,
- But only Buddha pays Dividends.
- %
- Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
- %
- Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
- -- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
- %
- Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
- on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
- "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
- women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
- "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
- "Do we have time?" Hart asked.
- "Do we have time?" Biden asked.
- "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
- %
- Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
- %
- John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
- his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
- "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
- the women!"
- %
- Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
- Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
- over to the side of the road.
- %
- Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
- a prompt, type like hell.
- %
- Just go with the flow control, roll with the
- crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
- %
- Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
- blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
- like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky
- or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ
- came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
- nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get
- crucified in the morning.
- -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
- %
- Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
- are scared and the women are grateful.
- %
- kasha, n:
- Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
- problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
- I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you
- much.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
- %
- Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
- Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
- for the students, and parking for the faculty.
- %
- King Louis gave a lesson in class,
- One time while enjoying a lass.
- When she used the word "Damn"
- He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
- Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
- %
- Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
- sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
- for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
- -- Margaret Sangor
- %
- Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots,
- tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high;
- take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits;
- get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry.
- Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs;
- writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top;
- but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes,
- that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop.
- the hip.
- The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip,
- her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish,
- then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will,
- cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish.
- with him.
- -- Kitten With A Whip
- %
- Knowledge Engineering:
- A combination of:
- Engineering, n:
- The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
- of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
- structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
- and
- Knowledge, n:
- Sexual intercourse.
- See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
- %
- Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
- fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
- species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
- or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
- threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
- in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
- most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
- such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
- flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
- raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
- hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
- meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
- went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
- into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
- grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
- left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
- intention movements, that is.
- -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
- %
- Kotex, n:
- Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
- %
- Kumquat, n:
- Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
- somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
- Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact,
- an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
- sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
- during orgasm.
- Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
- partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
- %
- Labia majora, n:
- The curly gates.
- %
- Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
- Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
- Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
- Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
- %
- lagnaf, n:
- Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
- %
- Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
- %
- "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
- "In a long-distance telephone booth,
- I enjoyed the perfection
- Of an ideal connection --
- I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
- %
- Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
- %
- lawyer, n:
- Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
- closely."
- %
- Lawyers do it to everyone.
- %
- Left a good broad by the river,
- Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
- Waited for 10 hours,
- Went back to the river,
- But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
- chorus:
- Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
- Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
- Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
- If you're gonna run for office,
- And you know that it's an election year.
- Don't go in the river,
- 'Specially by way of bridges,
- It could put an end to your political career!
- (chorus)
- -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
- %
- "Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black
- people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
- to you?"
- -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
- Minister Botha of South Africa.
- %
- Les salons de la ville de Trieste
- Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
- Parmi les grandes chaises
- On cause des malaises,
- Des estropiements, et des pestes.
- -- Edward Gorey
- %
- Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
- %
- Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
- disqualified from entering.
- Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
- "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
- "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records?
- They *must* be wrong!"
- "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
- parakeet with black trim."
- "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
- replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
- %
- LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
- reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. Chances for
- employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are
- prostitutes. All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
- %
- Lick-a-dee-clit!
- %
- Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
- %
- Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
- It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
- %
- Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
- in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
- %
- Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
- can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
- %
- Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread
- you have, the less shit you have to eat.
- %
- Life is not a cabaret.
- It's a fucking circus.
- %
- Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy.
- %
- Like private parts to the Gods are we,
- they play with us for their sport.
- -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
- %
- Limericks are art forms complex,
- Their topics run chiefly to sex.
- They usually have virgins,
- And masculine urgin's,
- And other erotic effects.
- %
- Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
- Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
- Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
- 'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
- -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
- %
- Lisp hackers
- ... do it in CARS.
- ... do it with tail recursion.
- ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
- ... have DEFUN while doing it.
- ... have to be bound to do it.
- ... have Moby dicks.
- %
- Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
- %
- Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
- %
- Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
- %
- LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
- 'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The
- experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
- cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
- with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
- By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause
- for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
- or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
- with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their
- eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
- to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
- intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother
- told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra
- hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next
- morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
- the night before.
- "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
- "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
- your prayers have been answered."
- Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
- "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
- "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
- %
- Little Johnny with a grin,
- Drank up all of daddy's gin,
- Mother said, when he was plastered,
- Go to bed, you little love-child.
- %
- Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
- 1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
- "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
- %
- Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
- Eating her curds and whey.
- Along came a spider,
- And bit her right in the snatch.
- %
- Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
- Eating her curds and whey.
- Along came a spider,
- Who sat down beside her,
- And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
- %
- Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
- Her knickers all tattered and torn.
- For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
- But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
- %
- Little Miss Muffet,
- Sat on her tuffet,
- Smoking some THC.
- Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
- And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
- %
- Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
- her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
- "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
- "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
- "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
- %
- Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
- When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
- raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his
- distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
- stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
- black hat and a red neckerchief.
- The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.
- He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
- dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
- had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
- One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
- horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
- with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
- this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
- "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
- house and rustled my cattle?"
- "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
- "You better cut that shit out!"
- %
- Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
- -- Louis B. Mayer
- The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
- was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
- -- Samuel Goldwyn
- %
- Love comes in spurts.
- %
- Love comes in spurts.
- --Devo, "Please Please"
- %
- Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
- -- James Thurber
- %
- Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
- %
- Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
- %
- Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
- twang of a bedspring.
- -- S.J. Perelman
- %
- Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
- -- Johnny Rotten
- %
- Luser, n:
- Someone who picks up a female
- hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
- %
- Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
- %
- Macho, adj:
- Jogging home from a vasectomy.
- %
- Male, n:
- Life support system for a cock.
- %
- Man in stall:
- Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
- Man at sink:
- No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
- any of the other stalls either.
- A minute passes.
- Man in stall:
- Say, buddy?
- Man at sink:
- Yeah?
- Man in stall:
- You got change for a ten?
- %
- Man who dance in crowded ballroom
- dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
- %
- Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
- %
- Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
- Some say not even indecent.
- But if you lust,
- It's a must!
- %
- Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
- %
- Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
- because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
- satisfaction of his death.
- -- Brendan Francis
- %
- Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
- not have chosen a suit by it.
- -- Maurice Chevalier
- %
- Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
- whole girl.
- -- Stephen Leacock
- %
- Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
- a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
- %
- Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
- is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
- -- Edward Gibbon
- %
- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
- But she can never catch him at it.
- %
- Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
- %
- Many nice things suck.
- %
- Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff
- at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
- -- Billy Carter
- %
- Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
- -- Peter De Vries
- %
- Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out,
- you lose interest.
- -- Professor Irwin Corey
- %
- Mary had a little lamb,
- Its fleece as white as snow.
- It followed her to school one day,
- And got fucked by a big black dog.
- %
- Mary had a little lamb,
- She kept it in a bucket.
- And every time she let it out,
- The bulldog used to
- Chase it around the garden.
- %
- Mary had a little lamb,
- The lamb turned out to be a ram,
- Now Mary has a little lamb.
- %
- Mary had a little sheep,
- And with the sheep she went to sleep,
- The sheep turned out to be a ram,
- And Mary had a little lamb.
- %
- Mary had a little watch;
- She swallowed it one day.
- And so she took some Ex-Lax
- To pass the time away.
- But when she took the Ex-Lax
- The time it did not pass.
- So when you want to know the time,
- Just look up Mary's ...
- Uncle, he has a watch, too.
- %
- Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
- -- James Joyce
- %
- masturbation, n:
- A self-service elevator.
- %
- masturbation, n:
- Coming unscrewed.
- %
- Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
- %
- Mathematicians
- ... do it in groups.
- ... do it in theory.
- ... take it to the limit.
- %
- Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
- %
- Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
- described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
- -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
- %
- May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
- take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
- %
- May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
- %
- May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
- %
- May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
- %
- Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
- opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
- %
- McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
- If an item is advertised as "under $50",
- you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
- %
- McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
- the passengers who were injured.
- "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
- the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you
- think when you saw this happen ?"
- I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
- a railroad."
- %
- Me father makes book on the corner,
- Me mother makes second hand gin,
- Me sister makes love for a dollar,
- And that's how the money rolls in!
- Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
- (Rolls in!)
- Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
- Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
- Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
- Me sister performs the abortions,
- And that's how the money rolls in!
- Me uncle's a poor missionary,
- He saves fallen women from sin.
- He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
- And that's how the money rolls in.
- %
- Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot
- of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
- are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay
- for his own drinks.
- -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
- %
- Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
- %
- Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
- they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
- And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
- as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
- %
- Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
- Afflicted with psychotic warps.
- His idea of fun
- Is to bugger a nun,
- And then vomit all over the corpse.
- %
- Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
- ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
- (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
- Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
- %
- Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
- 'em by the curb when you're done.
- %
- Men have many faults,
- Women only two:
- Everything they say,
- And everything they do!
- %
- Men will fuck mud.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- menage a trois, n:
- Using both hands to masturbate.
- %
- Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines
- also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female
- body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
- should not be seen by the light of day.
- -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
- %
- Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it
- has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
- closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
- the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
- [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
- world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
- next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
- ... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
- cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
- billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more
- interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your
- skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
- who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
- views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
- much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
- -- Dave Barry
- %
- Meteorologist, n:
- A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
- %
- Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
- the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
- with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
- Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
- Mickey : Oh?
- Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
- Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
- fuckin' Goofy.
- %
- Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
- wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- %
- "Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
- testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
- -- Ripping Yarns
- %
- Missed the train at the railway station
- Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
- Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
- She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
- %
- Missionary position:
- The missionary on top.
- %
- Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
- How does your garden grow?
- With silver bells and cockle shells,
- And one really fucked-up petunia.
- %
- Mistress, n:
- Something between a mister and a mattress.
- %
- mixed emotions:
- Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
- in your brand new Mercedes.
- %
- Montana:
- Where men are men and women are sheep.
- %
- Moody bitch in search of...
- kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship.
- %
- Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
- good-looking guy to dump on.
- %
- Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
- blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
- tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
- His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
- the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
- her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
- "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
- for breakfast tomorrow."
- %
- Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
- out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
- %
- Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
- %
- Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
- -- Frank Zappa
- %
- Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
- to be otherwise.
- -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
- %
- Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
- %
- Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
- Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
- it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
- %
- Moustache rides, 50 cents.
- %
- Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
- %
- Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
- problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
- time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
- that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
- his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
- couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
- Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
- had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
- took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
- That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
- started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
- door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
- tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
- Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
- and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
- Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
- arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
- the door.
- Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
- chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
- %
- Murphy's Discovery:
- Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
- to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
- everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine
- months later, you're in trouble!
- %
- Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
- fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
- understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
- being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
- they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
- things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
- -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
- "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
- of AIDS, book reveals"
- %
- My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
- dahlias.
- -- William Allen White
- %
- My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
- He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
- %
- My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him
- in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
- Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
- -- T. Bywater
- %
- My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
- family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
- -- Alexandre Dumas
- %
- My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
- %
- My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
- -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
- %
- My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
- and they stick.
- -- Johnny Bob
- %
- My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
- -- Friday
- %
- My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife
- came home early from work and found us in bed together.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
- vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
- quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
- paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
- -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
- Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
- corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
- masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
- that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
- cannonball on the stomach.
- %
- My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
- want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
- to screw again as long as I live.
- -- Erica Jong
- %
- My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
- %
- My travel agent's an Oxford chap
- Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
- I asked him about the Isle of Man
- For a journey of about six weeks.
- And this is what he said to me
- As he looked me right in the eye,
- "For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
- Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
- A brand-new store just opened its door
- At the corner of 5th and Vine
- And I happened to be standing right outside
- When they turned on their neon sign.
- I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
- And that's when I almost died,
- They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
- To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
- %
- My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
- She's up to three packs a day.
- -- Rodney Dangerfield
- %
- My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
- -- Howard Stern
- %
- Naeser's Law:
- You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
- %
- Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
- naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
- sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
- -- Lewis Carroll
- %
- Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
- "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
- %
- Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
- seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
- %
- National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
- %
- navel, n:
- A place to stash your gum on the way down.
- %
- Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
- Watch who you sleep with.
- %
- necrophilia, n:
- Dead boring.
- incest, n:
- Relatively boring.
- %
- necrophilia, n:
- Dropping in for a cold one.
- %
- Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
- Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
- %
- Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
- %
- Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
- -- Gordon Cooper
- %
- "Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?"
- "Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
- %
- Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
- %
- NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
- "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
- a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
- promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
- our "Big John" doll.)
- %
- New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
- %
- New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
- it's the asshole of the universe.
- -- Jonathan Michael Smith
- %
- New York:
- Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
- %
- Newlywed groom:
- Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
- You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
- and weekends. I'm sorry.
- Newlywed bride:
- I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
- Groom:
- Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
- through...
- %
- Newsflash:
- Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
- predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
- of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
- Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
- expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
- to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
- than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
- living in Stenton, North Dakota.
- %
- Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
- Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
- -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
- %
- Nice computers don't go down.
- %
- Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
- %
- Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
- 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
- so the lid won't stay up.
- 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
- 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
- 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
- 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
- demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
- 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
- or speculate about your next one.
- 7: A taco will never make a scene because
- there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
- 8: It's easy to drop a taco.
- 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
- %
- Ninety percent of everything is crap.
- -- Theodore Sturgeon
- %
- No matter how clever the hardware boys
- are, the software boys piss it away.
- %
- No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
- -- Greg Bear
- %
- Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
- [Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
- %
- Not everyone has a one-track mind.
- -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
- %
- Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
- -- Woody Allen
- %
- nothing, adj:
- A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
- %
- Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
- tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
- Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What
- can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out
- of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become
- a doctor, that's why we killed him.
- -- Lenny Bruce
- %
- Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
- Who said with a wink and a smile,
- "Sure, please stick it in,
- Be it thick be it thin,
- But if's rough I won't do as a file."
- %
- Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
- bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
- have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
- of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
- "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
- "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
- by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
- you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
- promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
- -- D. Adams
- %
- Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
- Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
- Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
- What would they do if I made no landfall?"
- -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
- %
- Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
- occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
- with this in response to one...
- Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
- When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
- bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
- meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
- comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
- morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
- "Just think," said
- Nurse Jones,
- "... that was four
- hours ago and
- my sperm count
- is probably *still*
- higher than yours."
- %
- Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
- %
- Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
- -- Joseph Pulitzer
- %
- Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
- their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
- because it's obscene.
- %
- Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers.
- %
- Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
- %
- Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
- exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
- author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
- "A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
- Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
- an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
- himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
- "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
- ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
- -- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
- spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
- There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
- sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
- %
- Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
- The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
- %
- Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
- %
- Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
- Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
- Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
- And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
- %
- Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
- That got run over with my mower.
- One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
- The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
- It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
- It landed by the kitchen door.
- Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
- that ain't gonna walk no more...
- -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover.
- %
- Oh John, let's not park here.
- Oh John, let's not park.
- Oh John, let's not.
- Oh John, let's.
- Oh John.
- Oh.
- %
- Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
- -- Don Herold
- %
- OLD FELLA RED CLARET
- Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
- An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
- and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
- prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the
- slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
- Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
- buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
- with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
- gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
- In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
- who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
- It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
- Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
- Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
- %
- Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
- A merry old soul was he.
- He called for his pipe,
- And he called for his drums,
- And he fiddled with his call girls three.
- %
- Old King Cole
- Was a merry old soul,
- A merry old soul was he!
- He called for his pipe,
- And he called for his bowl,
- And he fiddled with his call girls three!
- %
- Old McDonald had a farm,
- E-I-E-I-O!
- And on this farm he had some chicks,
- E-I-E-I-O!
- With a chick-chick here,
- And a chick-chick there,
- Here a chick,
- There a chick,
- Everywhere a chick-chick,
- Old McDonald lost his farm
- 'Cause he had too many chicks!
- %
- Old McDonald had a farm,
- E-I-E-I-O
- And on this farm he had some chicks,
- E-I-E-I-O
- With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there,
- Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo,
- Old McDonald lost his farm,
- 'Cause he had too many chicks.
- %
- Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup.
- %
- Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
- She had so many children,
- She didn't know what to do.
- So she moved to Atlanta.
- %
- Old Mother Hubbard,
- Went to the cubbard,
- To get her poor doggie a bone.
- But when she stooped over,
- Old Rover, he drove her.
- You see, he had a bone of his own.
- %
- Olmstead's Law:
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- %
- On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
- herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
- The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
- went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find
- a man making love to the corpse.
- "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
- that woman is dead!"
- "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
- "I thought she was an American!"
- %
- On Brassieres:
- Russian: Uplifts the masses.
- Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
- American: Makes mountains out of molehills.
- %
- On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
- Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
- on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was
- apprehended.
- Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is."
- Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money."
- Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!"
- Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor."
- At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his
- bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
- says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
- chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
- me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
- Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the
- money is right now, he will kill you here."
- Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
- under the big tree at the pass!"
- Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..."
- %
- Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
- eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
- only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
- better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
- and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
- The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
- fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
- wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
- sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
- my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
- to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
- you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
- at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
- gonna back to Italy.
- %
- Once a woman has given you her heart you
- can never get rid of the rest of her.
- -- Vanbrugh
- %
- Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell
- for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
- as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first
- group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
- group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They
- exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was
- very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
- had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them.
- Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
- That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group
- and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and
- all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
- the way I do.
- -- J. Feiffer
- %
- Once upon a girl there was a time...
- %
- Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
- two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
- observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
- running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
- white cow!"
- The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
- alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
- going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
- say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
- Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
- while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
- came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
- The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
- know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
- Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
- %
- Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
- made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
- wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
- "This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
- and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
- bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
- his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
- It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
- began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
- rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
- however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
- morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
- the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
- enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
- shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
- you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
- toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
- the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
- %
- Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
- fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
- cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
- she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
- jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
- down."
- So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
- you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
- %
- Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
- fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
- the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
- After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
- earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
- little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
- warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
- began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
- chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
- he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
- There are three morals to this story:
- 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
- 2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
- 3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
- %
- Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
- somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
- on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
- enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
- "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
- time comes, I am going to be that one."
- A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
- knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
- and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
- All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
- all his might.
- "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
- %
- Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
- and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
- coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
- The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
- sleeping in my bed!"
- And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
- %
- Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
- us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
- smaller prime numbers.
- 2: The Odd Prime --
- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
- 3: The True Prime --
- Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
- 31: The Arbitrary Prime --
- Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in
- case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received
- the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
- However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
- 41: The Female Prime --
- The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
- prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
- 43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.
- Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
- are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
- but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
- %
- Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
- the rest of life is that much easier.
- %
- Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- %
- One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
- boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
- Finally the office boy was brought in.
- "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
- playing around with my secretary?"
- "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
- like that, sir."
- "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
- %
- One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
- into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
- to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
- he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
- the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
- and approached the farmer.
- "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
- Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
- in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
- that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's
- mah wife's idea."
- %
- One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
- a polar bear?"
- "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at
- the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the
- ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're
- a polar bear. Why do you ask?"
- "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
- %
- One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
- anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
- he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
- Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
- threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
- The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
- Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
- he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
- the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
- "Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
- with my car once, remember?"
- "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
- lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
- in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
- the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
- "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
- to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
- %
- One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
- the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
- they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
- place an reported to God what he'd noticed.
- God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
- to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
- will create your mate."
- So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
- asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
- ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
- the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
- Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
- "God?"
- "Yes, Adam, what now?"
- "God, what's a headache?"
- %
- One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
- enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
- eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
- little dog.
- What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
- he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
- "Blossom," she replied.
- "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
- parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
- "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
- under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
- thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
- name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
- How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
- walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
- inquired.
- "Porky," was the child's reply.
- Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
- "Because he likes to fuck pigs."
- %
- "One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
- gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
- said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
- guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
- analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
- problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
- I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
- stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
- and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said,
- 'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
- -- Stephen Wright
- %
- One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
- tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
- to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
- of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
- orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
- the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
- care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
- all your beer and spit it in my face?"
- "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
- and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
- beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
- %
- One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
- officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
- thacramento ith?"
- The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
- The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more
- attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
- walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
- "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied,
- "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
- %
- One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need
- to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
- his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
- bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
- Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
- call a doctor.
- "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
- gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
- the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
- much hope."
- Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
- cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?"
- "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
- %
- One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
- One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
- %
- One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
- %
- One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
- and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
- seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
- another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
- wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
- like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
- %
- One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
- to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
- "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
- put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look,
- Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
- "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'"
- -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
- %
- One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
- accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
- testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
- all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
- enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
- "What trip?"
- %
- One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
- compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
- %
- One of the most expensive things in life
- is a girl who is free for the evening.
- %
- One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
- goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
- %
- One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
- He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
- following Sunday.
- "9:30 okay?"
- "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
- The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
- left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
- George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
- late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
- played right-handed and beat them again.
- "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
- "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
- Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
- be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
- *or* right-handed."
- "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
- superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
- right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
- "What if she's lying on her back?"
- George said, "That's when I'm late."
- %
- One should be cherry of virgins.
- %
- One, two, three, four
- What are we fighting for?
- Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
- Next stop is Vietnam.
- Five, six, seven, eight
- Open up the pearly gates.
- Ain't no time to wonder why
- Whoopie! We're all going to die.
- -- Country Joe and the Fish
- %
- One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
- his ass from a hole in the ground!
- %
- Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
- %
- Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
- %
- Operators mount anything!
- %
- Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one,
- but nobody wants to look at the other guy's.
- -- Hal Hickman
- %
- OPTIMIST:
- A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
- %
- ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
- The word "No".
- %
- oral sex, n:
- The taste of things to come.
- %
- O'Riordan's Theorem:
- Brains x Beauty = Constant.
- Purmal's Corollary:
- As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
- availability goes to zero.
- %
- Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
- cash them in.
- %
- Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
- Why pierce my skin, so white?
- You grow plump, as a leech.
- Stop! I beseech (in vein).
- I have no choice.
- Why waste my voice,
- When only a slap will do?
- Ouch, I am bitten!
- What ho, you are smitten!
- Yo mosquito, fuck you.
- -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
- %
- Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really
- quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
- %
- Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
- maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out
- in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
- good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know
- for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging
- over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for
- three seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in
- their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
- an infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
- ever considering whether there were men on base.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
- %
- Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
- possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in case
- of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
- baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
- sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
- from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
- seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
- souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
- infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without
- ever considering whether there were men on base.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
- %
- Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum
- possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
- case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a
- pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
- way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male
- comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been
- on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust
- her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between
- catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
- elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there
- were men on base.
- -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
- %
- Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
- In all of the directions it can whiz;
- As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know,
- Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
- So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
- How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
- And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
- 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!
- -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
- %
- Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
- "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
- and I will lead you to the promised land."
- Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
- your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
- Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
- the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
- %
- Painters do it with even strokes.
- %
- Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
- mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
- %
- Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
- bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
- %
- Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
- %
- Pee-wee Recommends:
- When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
- the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
- + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
- + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
- + Tiger Shark, starring Raven
- %
- penis envy, n:
- The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
- %
- People humiliating a salami!
- %
- People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
- %
- People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
- -- Peter Sellers
- %
- Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
- on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
- a pedestal the better to view her legs.
- -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
- %
- Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
- Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
- She declined and declined
- Till approached from behind...
- When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
- %
- Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
- %
- philadelphia flying fuck, n:
- Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
- of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
- him orally.
- [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if
- you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
- Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.]
- %
- Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
- -- Karl Marx
- %
- Physicists do it with charm.
- %
- Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
- he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
- %
- pile driver, n:
- Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
- %
- Planned Parenthood:
- The emission Control Center.
- %
- Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
- He announced as he folded with flair,
- "I had four of a kind,
- But those aces combined,
- Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
- %
- PLUNDERER'S THEME
- (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
- Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
- If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
- Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
- Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
- %
- pocket pool, n:
- Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
- For women, it's playing the slots.
- %
- polish fly, n:
- You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
- %
- Politicians do it to everyone.
- %
- Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
- 'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
- a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
- hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long
- practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
- as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her
- above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
- queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
- are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
- them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
- induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist
- is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
- that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has
- nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- Posterity will ne'er survey
- A nobler grave than this;
- Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
- Stop, traveler, and piss.
- -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
- %
- Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
- Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
- Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
- %
- Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
- Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
- I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
- it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
- "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
- give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
- all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
- your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
- bottom window."
- "Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
- "Just whistle."
- "Whistle?"
- "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
- you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
- %
- Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
- %
- Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
- %
- premature ejaculation, n:
- A spoilspurt.
- %
- premature ejaculator, n:
- Troubled shooter.
- %
- Premenstrual Syndrome:
- Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
- %
- Prince Absalom lay with his sister
- And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
- But the kid was so tight,
- And it was deep night --
- Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
- %
- Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
- %
- Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
- the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
- in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
- picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
- -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
- %
- Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
- %
- Programmers do it bit by bit.
- %
- Programmers do it until it goes down.
- %
- Programmers get overlaid.
- %
- PROMOTION:
- New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
- %
- Prope mare erat tubulator
- Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
- Dessine ingressus
- Audivi progressus:
- Est mihi inquit tubulator.
- %
- Prostitution is the only business where you
- can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
- %
- Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
- Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.
- %
- Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They
- both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
- make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
- out the door.
- %
- pubic hair, n:
- Organic dental floss.
- %
- Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
- And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
- And drank Manishiewitz wine.
- Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
- And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
- And other kosher stuff.
- Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
- Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
- Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
- That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
- %
- Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
- A: He's the only one with a duck.
- Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
- A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
- Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
- A: The duck wins!
- %
- Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
- A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
- %
- Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
- A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
- %
- Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
- A: Real men don't care.
- %
- Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
- A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
- %
- Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
- A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
- %
- Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
- A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
- %
- Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
- A: By the stiff upper lip.
- %
- Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
- A: Who cares?
- %
- Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
- A: She answered the iron.
- Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
- A: They called back.
- %
- Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
- A: Cusinart.
- Q: How do you get them back out?
- A: Doritos.
- %
- Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
- A: Propose.
- %
- Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
- A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
- Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
- A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
- Q: How did Tarzan die?
- A: Picking cherries!!!
- %
- Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
- A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
- %
- Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
- A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
- %
- Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
- A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
- %
- Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
- A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
- %
- Q: How do you play Religious Roulette?
- A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
- by lightning first.
- %
- Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in
- your backyard?
- A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing.
- %
- Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
- or an airline stewardess?
- A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
- A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
- and over again until we get it right."
- An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
- nose and breathe normally."
- ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
- ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
- ... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
- ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
- %
- Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
- A: When his cock tastes like shit.
- %
- Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
- A: It isn't hard.
- %
- Q: How does a mink get babies?
- A: The same way babies get minks.
- %
- Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
- A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
- speech, but under the United States constitution they are
- guaranteed freedom after speech.
- -- being told in Poland, 1987
- %
- Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
- A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
- %
- Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
- A: Three, but they're really only one.
- %
- Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
- Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
- A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
- %
- Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
- does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
- advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
- can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
- credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
- %
- Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
- bulb, in San Francisco?
- A: Both of them.
- %
- Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
- without a man.
- %
- Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess,
- what would Cheetah have been?
- A: A fur coat.
- %
- Q: What can you use used tampons for?
- A: Tea bags for vampires.
- %
- Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
- A: Play dumb until the second coming.
- %
- Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
- A: Your bicycle.
- %
- Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
- A: They both like a tight seal.
- %
- Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
- A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
- of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
- Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
- A: Sheep don't have strings.
- %
- Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
- A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
- %
- Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
- A: Trustworthy.
- %
- Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
- A: A transistor.
- %
- Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
- A: Toys for twats.
- %
- Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
- of garden hose?
- A: Darling.
- [Often? Ed.]
- %
- Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
- A: Parents.
- %
- Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
- A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
- %
- Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
- A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
- %
- Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
- A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
- %
- Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
- A: A computer that won't go down.
- %
- Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
- A: Your last blowjob.
- %
- Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
- A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
- %
- Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
- A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
- once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
- your eyes...
- %
- Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
- moth ball in the other hand?
- A: One hell of a big moth!
- %
- Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
- A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
- %
- Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
- A: Will the defendant please rise?
- %
- Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
- A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
- Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
- the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
- %
- Q: What goes
- Click. "Did I get it?"
- Click. "Did I get it?"
- Click. "Did I get it?"
- Click. "Did I get it?"
- A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
- %
- Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
- A: A frog in a blender.
- Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
- A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
- %
- Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
- A: Baby in a blender.
- Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
- A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
- %
- Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
- A: Boy Scouts.
- %
- Q: What is Smoorplay?
- A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
- %
- Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
- A: Snowballs!
- %
- Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
- A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
- %
- Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
- A: Dating a Canadian.
- %
- Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
- revolving doors?
- A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
- %
- Q: What's black and white and red all over?
- A: Half a nun.
- %
- Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?
- A: A corpse.
- %
- Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
- A: Chewing gum.
- %
- Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
- A: Bunny farts.
- %
- Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
- A: The guy that gave it to him.
- %
- Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
- A: The guy he got it from.
- %
- Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
- A: Snow White's cherry.
- %
- Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
- A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
- Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
- are removable!
- Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
- very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
- A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
- Q: What is a compact city?
- A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
- policemen!
- -- Peter Lax
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
- pinscher humping your leg?
- A: You let the doberman finish.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
- A: About four drinks.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
- A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
- War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
- [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
- office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
- A: About 10 pounds.
- Q: How do you make them the same?
- A: Force feed the elephant.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
- A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
- A: The weekend never comes too soon.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
- A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
- A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use
- the whole bird...
- %
- Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
- and Ronald Reagan?
- A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
- difference.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
- A: It stays dark all night.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
- A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
- like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
- "and some cigarettes."
- %
- Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
- he hits your windshield?
- A: His ass.
- Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
- mind when he hits your windshield?
- A. Oh, SHIT!!
- %
- Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
- A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
- %
- Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
- A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
- %
- Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
- A: To the batpoles, Robin!
- %
- Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
- A: Ugly sheep.
- %
- Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
- A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
- %
- Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
- A: They're just pussy substitutes!
- %
- Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
- A: Because she's dead.
- %
- Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
- A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
- %
- Q: Why did God invent booze?
- A: So ugly men could get laid too.
- %
- Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
- A: She'd never been taught to say no.
- %
- Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
- A: To impress Jodie Foster.
- %
- Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
- Jo Kopechne drowned?
- A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
- %
- Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts?
- A: Because they can.
- %
- Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- A: To stamp out forest fires.
- Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
- A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
- %
- Q: Why do men die before their wives?
- A: They want to.
- %
- Q: Why do men marry women?
- A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
- %
- Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
- A: Very few of them know how to dance!
- %
- Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
- A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
- -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
- %
- Q: Why do WASP's play golf ?
- A: So they can dress like pimps.
- %
- Q: Why do women have vaginas?
- A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
- %
- Q: Why do women love Pacman?
- A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
- %
- Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
- A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
- %
- Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
- A: It scares the dogs!
- Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
- A: The leash goes slack.
- %
- Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
- A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
- %
- Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
- A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
- Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
- you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
- -- being told in Poland, 1987
- %
- Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
- A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
- gang-rejected her.
- %
- Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
- A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
- Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
- %
- Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
- A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
- A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
- A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
- A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
- A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
- %
- Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
- A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
- A: Age.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
- A: The taste.
- %
- Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
- A: About three inches.
- %
- Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
- A: He couldn't help it.
- Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
- A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
- %
- Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
- A: 'Cause they can!
- (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
- %
- Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
- A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
- Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
- A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
- %
- QOTD:
- "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
- Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
- and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one
- who has that dream?"
- %
- QOTD:
- "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
- %
- QOTD:
- "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
- -- Joan of Arc
- %
- QOTD:
- "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
- %
- QOTD:
- "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
- ticket."
- %
- QOTD:
- "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
- %
- QOTD:
- "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
- %
- QOTD:
- I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
- %
- QOTD:
- I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm
- grip. He's a lucky man.
- %
- QOTD:
- "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
- %
- QOTD:
- I own my own body, but I share.
- %
- QOTD:
- "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
- %
- QOTD:
- "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
- time it rained."
- %
- QOTD:
- "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
- %
- QOTD:
- I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
- a pair of velcro gloves.
- %
- QOTD:
- "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
- the guy who screwed her last."
- %
- QOTD:
- "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
- her shadow!"
- %
- QOTD:
- "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
- golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
- %
- QOTD:
- It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of
- cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
- -- Richard Sexton
- %
- QOTD:
- "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
- who gets tied up."
- %
- QOTD:
- "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
- %
- QOTD:
- Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
- going to put that thing *where*?"
- %
- QOTD:
- My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
- you stick those little prongs into it.
- -- Mark-Jason Dominus
- %
- QOTD:
- No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
- %
- QOTD:
- "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
- and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
- %
- QOTD:
- Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself.
- %
- QOTD:
- She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
- Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!
- %
- QOTD:
- "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
- %
- QOTD:
- Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
- and the others are more than willing to watch them.
- %
- QOTD:
- "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
- all night."
- %
- QOTD:
- "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
- a few good men!"
- %
- QOTD:
- "The only real difference between men and women is that men are
- crabby all month long."
- %
- QOTD:
- "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes
- Poster Girl."
- %
- QOTD:
- "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat,
- happy women."
- %
- QOTD:
- "When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
- %
- QOTD:
- "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady
- over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
- glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
- %
- QOTD:
- "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
- Then get the fuck out."
- %
- QOTD:
- "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
- %
- quickie, n:
- A moment's piece.
- %
- quickie, n:
- No sooner spread than done.
- %
- QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth] 1. a unit of weight
- equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
- structural engineering 2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
- grown sligo can carry. 3. [Anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis
- in the region of the anus 4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
- symptoms of a qwert.
- -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
- %
- Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
- Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
- %
- randel, n:
- A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
- apology for farting at a friend.
- -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
- Preposterous Words
- %
- Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
- Bo Derek: 35-24-36
- Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36
- Bette Middler: 37-25-36
- Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
- Jane Russell: 39-27-38
- Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
- Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
- %
- Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
- of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
- %
- Reach out and fuck someone.
- %
- Readers Ask:
- Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
- Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
- usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
- a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
- possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
- of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
- driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
- it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
- puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be
- avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
- and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
- Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires
- more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
- through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
- sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
- holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
- do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
- urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
- (i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But
- you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
- %
- real buddy, n:
- Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
- and give you one.
- %
- real class, adj:
- When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
- %
- Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
- %
- Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
- Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
- Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
- These are a few of my favorite drugs.
- Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
- Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
- Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
- These are a few of my favorite drugs.
- Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
- Users of heroin, often called junkies
- Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
- Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
- On a bad trip
- When the cops come
- When I lose my head
- I simply take more of my favorite drugs
- And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
- -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things"
- %
- Reformed, n:
- A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
- %
- rejection, n:
- When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
- %
- Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
- %
- Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
- -- Frank Zappa
- %
- Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
- champagne is the best tenderizer.
- %
- Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
- sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
- changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
- out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
- pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
- the other.
- -- Jules Feiffer
- %
- Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
- "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
- "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
- someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
- blow job in the world!' on the wall."
- "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
- we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
- "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
- phone number!"
- %
- Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
- Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
- %
- rodeo fuck, n:
- When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
- the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on
- for seven seconds...
- %
- Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
- %
- Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
- With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
- The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
- So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
- Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
- With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
- Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
- They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
- Roland the Thompson gunner...
- His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
- But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
- So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
- That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
- Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
- Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
- He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
- Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
- But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
- The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
- Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
- In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
- Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
- -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
- %
- ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
- MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
- as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
- %
- Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
- "And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
- "I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers,"
- replies Rosenberg.
- "Why the barbers?"
- "Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
- %
- Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
- %
- Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
- %
- rugby, n:
- A sport requiring leather balls.
- %
- Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
- two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.
- %
- Runners do it alone.
- %
- Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
- immensely profitable years in the construction business.
- "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
- constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
- am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
- And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
- dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
- Sam the Philanthropist? No sir!
- But suck one little cock..."
- %
- San Francisco:
- A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
- there.
- %
- San Francisco is my kind of city,
- Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
- %
- Save a forest - eat a beaver!
- %
- Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
- %
- Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
- %
- Save the whales. Club a seal instead.
- %
- schnuffel, n.:
- A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
- company.
- -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
- %
- "Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
- her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
- %
- Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
- ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
- -- Edgar Berman
- %
- SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
- If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
- this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
- Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
- %
- Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
- the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
- "What are you here for?" he asks.
- "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
- and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
- but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
- "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
- "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
- to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
- "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
- Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
- "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
- "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
- "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
- "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
- I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
- wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
- resist it!" admitted the dog.
- "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
- "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
- %
- Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
- were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with
- the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
- again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I
- know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign,
- so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
- It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
- plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once
- and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
- three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
- So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
- right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign."
- This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
- one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
- the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted
- the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
- be explained by natural causes.
- The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
- just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
- a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
- The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
- and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
- %
- Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
- pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
- a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
- her what that means.
- "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
- "Yeah..."
- "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbuttom her blouse."
- "Yeah..."
- "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
- then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
- "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
- %
- Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
- asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
- imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
- %
- Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
- he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
- cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
- more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
- believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
- Could we maybe talk?"
- The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
- the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
- starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
- I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
- there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
- Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
- in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
- much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
- she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
- and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
- have to be the "back door".
- As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
- panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
- you on the bus yesterday.
- Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
- actually the bus driver."
- %
- Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
- symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
- production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
- security while they're being screwed.
- %
- Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
- -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
- %
- SEMINARS:
- From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
- %
- Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
- notify you if the record has pornographics material or
- material glorifying violence?"
- Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
- Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
- the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
- Johnny."
- -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
- lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
- %
- Send lawyers, guns, and money,
- The shit has hit the fan.
- -- Warren Zevon
- %
- Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
- -- Grover Cleveland, 1905
- %
- Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed
- in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen
- Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have
- any."
- %
- Sex and drugs and UNIX.
- %
- Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
- You can do each while thinking about the other.
- %
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- -- Sophia Loren
- %
- Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
- %
- Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
- %
- Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
- %
- Sex is great,
- Sex is grand,
- Sex around here,
- Is mostly by hand.
- %
- Sex is just one damp thing after another.
- %
- Sex is like a bridge game --
- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
- %
- Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
- %
- Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
- %
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- %
- Sex is the poor man's opera.
- -- G.B. Shaw
- %
- Sex is what women have and men want.
- %
- Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
- %
- SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
- details at 11!
- %
- Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
- temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at
- the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
- a joke about that:
- A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
- service,
- "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
- The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
- "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
- The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
- "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
- The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
- "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
- %
- Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
- Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
- Let your pal be your guide.
- And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
- or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
- 'cause it digs up your hat,
- or has sex with your cat,
- sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
- and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
- Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
- We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
- %
- She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
- If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
- I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
- It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
- If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
- If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
- I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
- It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
- Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
- I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
- -- proposed Country-Western song titles
- %
- She asked me if I loved her still.
- "Yes," I replied. "I've never had you any other way."
- %
- She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
- -- Dorothy Parker
- %
- She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
- candidates for president.
- -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition",
- on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis
- %
- She never liked zippers, she said,
- Until she opened one in bed.
- %
- She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
- %
- She was only:
- a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
- a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
- a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
- a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
- a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
- a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
- a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
- %
- She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
- Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
- unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
- and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
- her on the top step.
- "How dare you?" she demanded.
- "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
- second time I thought we'd become good friends."
- %
- She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
- %
- She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
- 1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
- Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
- Him: Wondering which word would
- best describe her breasts
- to the guys
- 1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
- Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
- will go all the way
- 1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
- Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
- warmers and a leather
- face mask
- 1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
- Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
- San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
- point before she passed away
- -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
- %
- She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
- %
- Shit happens.
- %
- Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
- totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you
- know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
- says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know?
- He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
- with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home
- to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime!
- %
- Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
- %
- Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
- I'm agog with excitement today!
- And the reason of course,
- A reliable source,
- Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
- %
- Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
- together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
- to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
- isn't weightbearing. See Discipline.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
- %
- Sixteen'll get you twenty.
- %
- Size counts.
- %
- small, adj:
- Is it in yet?
- %
- Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
- %
- Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
- %
- Snow White:
- "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
- but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
- %
- So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
- Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
- Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
- Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
- And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
- -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
- %
- So, how's your love life?
- Still holding your own?
- %
- So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
- which one would you pick?
- %
- So it's ai yi yi yi,
- Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
- So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
- And waltz me around by my willie!
- There once was a man from Nantucket!
- Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
- He said with a grin,
- As he wiped off his chin,
- If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
- So it's ai yi yi yi,
- Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
- So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
- And waltz me around by my willie!
- There once was a young man from Boston!
- Who drove around town in an Austin!
- There was room for his ass,
- And a gallon of gas,
- So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
- %
- So it's ai yi yi yi,
- Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
- So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
- And waltz me around by my willie!
- There once was a man from Racine!
- Who invented a screwing machine!
- Both concave and convex,
- It could please either sex,
- But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
- So it's ai yi yi yi,
- Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
- So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
- And waltz me around by my willie!
- One night a girl had an affair!
- With a fellow all covered with hair!
- His enormous red whang,
- Gave her a wonderful bang --
- She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
- %
- So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
- lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
- has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
- and we've got no money left for food."
- "Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
- "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
- You're going to have to go out and hustle."
- "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
- "It's the only way," he said.
- Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
- staggering in early the next morning.
- "How did you do?" asked the husband.
- "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
- "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
- "Everybody," she said.
- %
- So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our
- standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when
- I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just
- about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's
- breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate
- shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit
- than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's
- Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
- -- Dave Barry
- %
- So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
- "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
- Polacks who --"
- "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
- The salesman thought for a moment.
- "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
- %
- So you fucked up... you trusted us!
- -- Animal House
- %
- So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
- and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
- %
- Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever.
- %
- Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
- Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
- -- Hair
- %
- Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
- %
- SOFTWARE:
- Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
- %
- Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
- and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
- %
- Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
- Drank up several bottles of sherry;
- In the Yard around three
- They were shrieking with glee:
- "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
- -- Edward Gorey
- %
- Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
- unassisted.
- -- Wilson Mizner
- %
- Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
- fucked the buffalo.
- %
- Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
- %
- Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
- %
- Some women are like musical glasses.
- To keep them in tune they must be wet.
- -- Samuel Coleridge
- %
- Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
- -- Noel Coward
- %
- Something better...
- 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
- 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
- perch on.
- 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
- 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
- 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
- 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
- leave.
- 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
- 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
- 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
- 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
- 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
- coffee ... in Brazil.
- 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth
- capped.
- 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
- -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
- %
- Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
- a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
- -- George Carlin
- %
- Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
- -- Risky Business
- %
- Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water.
- -- Little Richard
- %
- SPINSTER:
- Unlusted number.
- %
- Starkle, starkle, little twink,
- Who the hell you are I think
- I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
- I'm just a little slort of sheep.
- Tee martoonis make a guy,
- Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
- So mass the pixer and kill my fup
- I've all day sober to sunday up.
- %
- Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence.
- %
- Statisticians probably do it.
- %
- Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
- %
- Stockmayer's Theorem:
- If it looks easy, it's tough.
- If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
- %
- STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
- Bust truster.
- %
- stress, n:
- The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
- desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
- desperately needs it.
- %
- subpoena, n:
- From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
- or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
- %
- Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
- %
- Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
- -- James P. Hogan
- %
- successful cunnilingus:
- When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
- frosted doughnut.
- %
- SUGAR DADDY:
- A man who can afford to raise cain.
- %
- Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
- Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
- %
- Sure banking is Biblical!
- How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
- Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
- little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
- Banks of the Jordan!
- %
- Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People
- know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
- %
- swallow, v:
- The (blew) bird of birth control.
- %
- Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
- %
- Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
- A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
- If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
- There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
- And you're fair game,
- You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
- Just relax, enjoy the ride.
- Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
- But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
- 'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
- The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
- (chorus)
- The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
- She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
- Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
- And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
- (chorus)
- -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
- %
- Taoism: Shit Happens.
- Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
- Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
- Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
- Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
- Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
- %
- TAXIDERMIST:
- A man who mounts animals.
- %
- Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
- sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
- it's time to spend a night in town.
- %
- tear leather:
- To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
- his leather jerkin' off."
- %
- tearing off a quicky:
- Gunning the jump.
- %
- Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond!
- %
- Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
- %
- Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them
- in five minutes with a pistol.
- -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
- %
- Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've
- got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
- If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
- life."
- Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked
- to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
- "My God, what happened to you?"
- "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
- on his bloodied lips.
- "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But
- what happened? Did the customer start a fight?"
- "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was
- *pissed*."
- %
- Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
- Take two at the very most.
- Take three and you're under the table,
- Take four and you're under the host.
- %
- Test makers do it:
- A: sometimes
- B: always
- C: never
- D: none of the above.
- %
- TEXAN:
- A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
- %
- That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
- %
- That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
- pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
- he got back, he was a husky fucker.
- %
- The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
- of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
- began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
- nine. Candles out at ten."
- %
- The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
- home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening,
- when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
- law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly,
- the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my
- slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
- my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command.
- Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
- and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let
- me catch you wearing my things again."
- %
- The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
- %
- The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
- Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue.
- -- Dumas
- %
- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
- sex for money usually costs a lot less.
- -- Brendan Francis
- %
- The blacksmith told me before he died,
- And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
- That no matter how he tried,
- His wife was never satisfied!
- And so he built a bloody great wheel,
- Harnessed to a cock of steel,
- Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
- And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
- Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
- In and out went the cock of steel,
- Till at last the maiden cried,
- "Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
- And now we come to the crucial bit --
- There was no way of stopping it.
- And she was split from hole to hole,
- And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
- %
- The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
- they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
- "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
- any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
- "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
- fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
- %
- The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
- -- Sidney J. Hurtubise
- %
- The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
- They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
- there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
- One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
- to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
- Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
- "You must mean _faux_pas_."
- "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
- Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
- phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
- for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
- roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite
- a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together
- and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
- table. Remember all that, Ed?"
- "Yeh."
- "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
- the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy
- bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
- over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
- 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"
- "Yeh."
- "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
- %
- The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
- %
- The computer is the ultimate polluter:
- Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
- %
- The country girl who became a city madam
- has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
- %
- The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
- the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
- %
- The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
- is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
- %
- The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
- %
- The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
- went down on the Titanic.
- %
- The difference between like and love is the
- same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
- %
- The difference between this school and a cactus plant
- is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
- %
- The difference between women and girls
- is as much as twenty years in some states.
- %
- The early worm gets the bird.
- %
- The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
- text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
- %
- The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
- out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
- -- New Libertarian Notes, #19
- %
- The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
- the bedroom.
- -- Richard Lewis
- %
- The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
- black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
- fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
- a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
- and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
- garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
- "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
- "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
- top panted.
- "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
- the captain yelled.
- "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
- %
- The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
- -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
- -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
- -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
- -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
- -- You have drinks with William Holden.
- -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
- %
- The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
- %
- The girls that go to see a man's etchings
- may not know art, but they know what they like.
- %
- The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
- their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
- He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
- particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
- doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
- "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
- marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
- woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
- The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
- "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
- phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
- hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
- woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
- in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
- The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
- he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
- %
- The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
- %
- The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
- -- Truman Capote
- %
- The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
- These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
- results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be
- kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
- put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
- pleases.
- -- Sir Josiah Stamp
- %
- The greatest lies of all time:
- (1) I love you.
- (2) This won't hurt a bit.
- (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
- (4) The check is in the mail.
- (5) I was just going to call you.
- (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
- (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
- (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
- (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
- (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
- %
- The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
- -- The morning after note reads:
- Whiting, Barbara:
- I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
- I wanted to byte your ear.
- -- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
- -- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
- -- The last straw:
- Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
- program and shows up an hour late.
- You Don't...:
- Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
- You Do...:
- Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
- indicate a malfunction.
- %
- The harder they come, the more important it is to have
- an extra-firm mattress.
- %
- The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
- outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
- the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
- occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
- mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
- -- John Hughes, National Lampoon
- %
- The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
- %
- The hope that springs eternal
- Springs right up your behind.
- -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
- %
- The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
- particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
- "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
- was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
- His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
- time?"
- %
- The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
- and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
- lovemaking.
- "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
- was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
- even if it's right inside the front door."
- At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
- husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
- the consultant asked.
- "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
- sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
- absolutely wild!"
- %
- The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
- day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
- however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his
- bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
- had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
- "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
- the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
- An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
- "I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
- in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
- %
- The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
- Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
- pull it out at the last minute.
- -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
- %
- The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
- two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
- other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
- account of the wedding night's progress.
- "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
- entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
- honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
- And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
- %
- The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
- is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
- town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
- gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
- majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
- soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
- has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
- anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
- has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
- resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
- want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
- said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
- wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
- Fact is, I rather like it."
- %
- The lights are on,
- but you're not home;
- Your will
- is not your own;
- Your heart sweats,
- Your teeth grind;
- Another kiss
- and you'll be mine...
- You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
- (Oh Yeah!)
- It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
- You know you're gonna have to face it,
- You're addicted to love!"
- -- Robert Palmer
- %
- The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
- they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
- That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
- making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
- a baby brother."
- "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
- puppy."
- %
- The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
- containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
- were delivered in a welter of tears.
- "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
- see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
- (blubber,blubber)!"
- "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
- "and would you care to have them mounted?"
- "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
- %
- The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
- Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
- A demon for semen,
- This buffersome he-man
- Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
- %
- The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
- whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
- were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
- exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
- a certain awful recognition.
- -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
- %
- The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She
- is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
- -- Norton
- %
- The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
- the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
- -- Rabbi Meir Kahane
- %
- The mind is its own place, and in itself
- Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
- What matter where, if I be still the same,
- And what I should be, all but less than he
- Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
- We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
- Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
- Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
- To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
- Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
- -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
- %
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
- %
- The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
- %
- The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
- %
- The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
- jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
- %
- The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
- "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
- -- Larry Brown
- %
- The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
- that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
- %
- The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
- virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
- you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
- stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the
- man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
- your eyes - or just by staring into space.
- -- Marilyn Monroe
- %
- The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
- adopted children.
- -- Paul Ehrlich
- %
- The moving finger having writ... gestures.
- %
- The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
- their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
- "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
- the dinner table."
- Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
- and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
- hint of a smile.
- "Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
- "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
- be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
- %
- The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
- hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
- replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
- pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
- returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
- 1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
- 2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
- 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
- 5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
- "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
- 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
- Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
- 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
- to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
- 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
- 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
- Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
- Contest at St. Taffy's.
- %
- The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb
- to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately
- upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the
- barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I
- want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the
- roost with my blessings."
- The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only
- a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again
- took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
- me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
- ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
- henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
- The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
- Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
- weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
- overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
- maintained a formidable lead.
- Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
- dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
- "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
- from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
- %
- The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
- that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
- %
- The only difference between your girlfriend
- and a barracuda is the nailpolish.
- %
- The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
- -- Stendhal
- %
- The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
- that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
- %
- The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
- -- Mike O'Dell
- %
- The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
- lamp-post.
- -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
- %
- The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
- bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
- -- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
- %
- The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
- her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
- -- Oscar Wilde
- %
- The only way you'll ever hear from
- me is if you're living in the same hell.
- -- Roy Harper
- %
- The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
- catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down,
- guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
- The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
- her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
- hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at
- once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
- to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
- of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
- %
- The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
- %
- The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
- "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
- "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
- "What IS your name?"
- %
- The penis mightier than the sword.
- %
- the perfect woman:
- Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
- your drink.
- [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.]
- %
- The pleasure is momentary,
- The position ridiculous,
- The expense damnable.
- -- Chesterfield, on sex
- %
- The pleasure is transitory, the cost
- prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
- -- Disraeli, on sex
- %
- The plural of spouse is spice.
- -- R.A. Heinlein
- %
- The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
- who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private
- secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
- been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
- "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
- twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
- private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
- and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the
- third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me
- into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
- and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
- I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
- for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
- dollars. That's when he jumped out the window."
- %
- The poor little doe
- Crawled out of the woods,
- Tired, bedraggled and blue.
- "Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
- I should have asked for two!"
- %
- The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops
- for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
- of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
- "Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
- "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
- %
- The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
- one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
- He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he
- noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
- as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
- "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
- singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
- Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
- wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
- The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
- that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
- When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
- Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
- you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
- What is a blow job?"
- Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
- %
- The problem with being best man at a wedding
- is that you never get a chance to prove it.
- %
- The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
- Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
- how is Brown going to get to Washington?
- %
- The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble.
- -- Thomas Carlyle
- %
- The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
- length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
- %
- The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have
- to walk around in front every time you want to kiss her.
- %
- The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
- %
- The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
- they can't masturbate.
- %
- The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
- rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
- %
- The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
- %
- The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
- %
- The rich man uses vaseline,
- The poor man uses lard;
- The worker uses axle grease
- But gets it twice as hard.
- %
- The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
- certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
- "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
- "There certainly is," she agreed.
- "Some really bright stars in the sky."
- She nodded.
- "Some dew on the grass."
- "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
- %
- The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
- community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
- %
- The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
- dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
- "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
- %
- The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
- -- Diana Rigg
- %
- The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
- He fucks her.
- She bites his head off.
- -- From a Women's Lib Poster
- %
- The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
- on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
- survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
- woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
- her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
- toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
- -- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
- %
- The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
- doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
- the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
- psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
- felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
- and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
- inquired.
- The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
- supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
- was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
- dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
- just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
- %
- The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
- %
- The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
- like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
- -- Lord Halifax
- %
- The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly,
- And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway,
- To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting
- And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day.
- My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully
- With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread,
- I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window
- Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
- -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
- %
- The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
- %
- The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
- %
- The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
- During the first four months: Missionary style
- During the second four months: Doggie style
- And during the last month: Coyote style
- Coyote style?
- You sit by the hole and howl.
- %
- The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
- %
- The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
- threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with
- farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved
- back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers
- jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
- blaze under control.
- The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
- gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
- driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
- "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
- "is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
- %
- The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
- %
- The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
- were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
- off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
- Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
- he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
- flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
- He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
- called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
- %
- The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
- great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
- This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
- The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
- ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
- "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
- The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
- "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
- %
- The two things that you should never lend out are your car
- or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
- %
- The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
- like going to church.
- %
- The Utah version of this joke goes:
- One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
- office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
- that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
- The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
- in the lobby!!"
- The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
- prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
- The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
- black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
- %
- The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
- shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
- to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
- customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
- next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
- coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
- herself for a few moments and then snapped,
- "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
- "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
- %
- The voters have spoken, the bastards...
- %
- The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
- %
- The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
- hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
- accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
- "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
- said.
- "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The
- youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
- "That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
- nature. The bully!"
- "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
- "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
- evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
- Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
- %
- The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
- absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
- -- Havelock Ellis
- %
- The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
- deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
- -- Balzac
- %
- The word `spine' is, of course, an anagram of `penis'. This is true in
- almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people have
- attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged down in
- silly puns about "standing erect".
- %
- The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
- %
- The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
- first visit home since starting college.
- "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
- last weekend."
- "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
- or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
- "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
- guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
- %
- The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
- woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
- his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
- "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
- "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
- stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
- %
- Then there was the girl who was engaged
- to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
- %
- Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
- swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
- %
- Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
- for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it.
- %
- Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
- After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
- for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
- went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
- well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
- dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
- they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
- nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
- babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
- "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
- for your lousy fifty bucks."
- %
- Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
- brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They
- caught him when he came back for the brick.
- %
- There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
- %
- There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred,
- there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great,
- there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted,
- I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate.
- I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted,
- And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good.
- And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed,
- They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood.
- You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs,
- You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground.
- You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for
- You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found.
- ...Because...
- Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful,
- spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine.
- but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies,
- semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine.
- -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
- %
- There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
- %
- There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
- a bitch, you ate five of them.
- -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
- cannibalism in 1874.
- %
- There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
- are having to take turns.
- -- T.K.
- %
- There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
- president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
- competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little
- test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
- desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests
- in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the
- promotion? The one with the big tits!
- %
- There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
- %
- There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
- they notice a sapling half-way between them.
- One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
- "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
- "A son of a BEECH!"
- "A son of a BIRCH!"
- "Son of a beech!"
- "Son of a birch!"
- The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
- kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
- the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
- beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
- "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
- I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
- %
- There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
- woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
- %
- There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
- the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
- %
- There is nothing as overrated as a bad
- lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
- %
- There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
- Boring your friends about it is the sin.
- -- Mama Liz
- %
- There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
- And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
- Where seagulls flew over their nest.
- She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
- And caused her to tickle and itch.
- The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
- A sittin' out there on the rocks."
- The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
- And crowded four deep to the rail.
- All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
- ...
- "Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
- And soon we will certainly find
- If mermaids are better before or be... brave
- My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
- And cursing with spleen.
- This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
- -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
- %
- There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
- glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the
- man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it
- and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
- front page before discarding it?"
- The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
- "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
- "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
- be on the front page."
- -- Attributed to FDR.
- %
- There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
- driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
- He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
- And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
- discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
- question.
- The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
- And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was
- downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive
- lady, and she asked the same question.
- He answered: "I'm a Republican."
- And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
- They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
- skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take
- it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been
- a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
- %
- There was a young tenor named Springer,
- Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
- He hollered in pain,
- As they rolled down the drain,
- "There goes my career as a singer!"
- %
- There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
- rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
- or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
- the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
- One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
- tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
- feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
- but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
- participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
- in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
- Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
- and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
- room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
- some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
- load!"
- %
- There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
- brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
- follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
- good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
- corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
- assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
- and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
- the following pitch.
- "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
- of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
- At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
- in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
- The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
- toothbrush?"
- %
- There was something about her I liked,
- but I couldn't put my finger on it.
- %
- There were the Scots
- Who kept the Sabbath
- And everything else they could lay their hands on.
- Then there were the Welsh
- Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
- Thirdly there were the Irish
- Who never knew what they wanted
- But were willing to fight for it anyway.
- Lastly there were the English
- Who considered themselves a self-made nation
- Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
- %
- There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
- a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
- -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
- %
- There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
- treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your
- soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
- not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What
- limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
- in their own movie, let alone direct it.
- -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
- %
- There's a vas deferens between men and women.
- %
- There's amnesia in a hangknot,
- And comfort in the ax,
- But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
- There's surcease in a gunshot,
- And sleep that comes from racks,
- But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
- You find rest on the hot squat,
- Or gas can give you pax,
- But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
- There's refuge in the church lot
- When you tire of facing facts,
- And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
- Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
- Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
- But the pleasantest place to find your end
- Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
- -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
- %
- There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
- %
- There's more than one way to skin a cat:
- Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
- Way #27 -- Use an electric sander.
- Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
- Way #33 -- A bicycle pump.
- %
- There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex?
- A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
- -- Billy Joel
- %
- There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
- -- David Mairowitz
- %
- They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
- -- Gallagher
- %
- They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
- lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
- light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
- She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
- barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
- thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
- she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
- father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
- uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
- spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
- again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
- mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
- "Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes
- burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
- "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
- %
- This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
- Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
- took my Russian watch.
- Desk Sergeant: Come again?
- Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
- took my Russian watch.
- DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
- would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who
- knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
- Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
- %
- This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
- stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
- looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
- stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
- desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
- one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
- decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
- and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
- steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
- "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
- From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
- the shit hit the fan?"
- %
- This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
- really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
- him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks
- the patient a week later.
- "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the
- good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
- %
- This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
- -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
- other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
- git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
- "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
- "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
- "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
- to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
- stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
- all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
- She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
- "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
- explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
- "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
- me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
- %
- This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
- Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
- Teller: "Excuse me, sir?"
- M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
- T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
- M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
- T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
- The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
- manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
- Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?"
- M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
- Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
- that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
- M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
- open a fuckin' savings account!"
- Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
- %
- This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
- "My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
- himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
- except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
- "Do you always jog in the nude?"
- "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
- "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
- "Yes ma'am!" he replies.
- "Do you always wear a condom?"
- "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
- %
- This here's the wattle
- The emblem of our land
- You can stick it in a bottle
- Or you can hold it in your hand.
- -- Monty Python
- %
- This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
- obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
- and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
- off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
- affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
- on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
- tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
- "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
- "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
- "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
- "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
- %
- This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.
- If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it!
- %
- This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
- %
- This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.
- So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words.
- Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
- Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
- Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
- Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
- Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
- %
- This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
- stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night,
- the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
- with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
- off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his
- mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
- During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
- prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
- prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
- Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
- weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
- bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
- news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
- of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
- later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
- be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
- going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
- and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
- a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
- dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
- %
- This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
- %
- This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
- %
- THORNY:
- A thailor at thea.
- %
- Thou shalt not omit adultery.
- %
- Thought:
- Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
- %
- Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
- the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
- of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
- had to break the news to his wife.
- They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
- poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her
- tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
- "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
- a piss."
- %
- Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
- be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
- over in their tight pants.
- "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
- costumes, and think of the holds."
- "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
- pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
- right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
- rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
- `Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
- %
- Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
- a bowl of Wheaties.
- -- Richard Pryor
- %
- Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
- and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and
- women will take a little longer.
- -- Spiro Agnew
- %
- Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
- however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
- for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
- So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
- on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
- never rains when you have your laundry out?"
- "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
- my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
- going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
- it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
- "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
- "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
- %
- Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
- better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
- going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
- "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
- alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
- sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
- the problem?"
- "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
- flee," said the first girl.
- "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
- the second woman.
- "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
- but I fail to see the problem."
- %
- three-bag ugly, adj:
- That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
- head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
- it from howling.
- four-bag ugly, adj:
- When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
- %
- Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
- You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
- 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
- 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
- 3: Free blood.
- 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
- all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
- %
- Tim and I a hunting went
- We found three damsels in a tent,
- As they were three, and we were two,
- I bucked one and Timbuktu.
- -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
- %
- 'Tis the dream of each programmer,
- Before his life is done,
- To write three lines of APL,
- And make the damn things run.
- %
- To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
- %
- To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
- %
- To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
- then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
- to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
- -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
- %
- Today is gonna be one helluva week!
- %
- Todays title:
- Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
- %
- Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
- -- An American astronaut
- %
- tourist, n:
- A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
- %
- Tourist to New Yorker:
- "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
- just go fuck myself?"
- %
- transvestite, n:
- Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- %
- Tri Delts; everyone else has.
- %
- TRUST:
- Two cannibals having oral sex.
- %
- trust me:
- Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
- she rode in on."
- %
- T-shirt of the Day:
- Head for the Mountains
- -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
- Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
- If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
- -- courtesy someone else
- %
- T-shirt of the Day:
- See Dick Drink...
- See Dick Drive...
- See Dick Die.
- DON'T BE A DICK.
- %
- T-shirt of the Week:
- I'm not excited, I'm cold!
- %
- 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
- Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son!
- All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that
- And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch!
- Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
- He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"
- Long time the cool young stuff he
- sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
- So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
- And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled
- And doffed her miniskirt.
- One, two! One, two! And through
- and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
- The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy!
- He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
- And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy.
- 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
- Did groove and trip out at the pad:
- All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
- And the Radcliffe undergrad.
- %
- Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
- twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
- -- Wilde
- %
- Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
- The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other
- side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
- watch.
- The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
- they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
- so they trade.
- That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
- looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
- The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta
- you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
- "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day
- you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta
- you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
- %
- Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
- "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
- "No, old man, what about him?"
- "Last seen in Africa, you know."
- "No, I didn't."
- "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love."
- "Queer."
- "Not Chumley. Female gorilla."
- %
- Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
- whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
- like hours.
- "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
- the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
- and went back to where his companion was waiting.
- "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife
- and the other's my mistress!"
- "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back
- before reaching the green.
- "What's wrong?" Bill asked.
- "Small world, isn't it?"
- %
- Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
- Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
- had been doing, she committed suicide.
- Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
- had been doing, they buried her.
- Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
- had been doing, they dug her back up.
- %
- Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
- boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
- "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
- "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
- alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
- Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
- to work. I feel like a bull!"
- His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
- to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
- wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
- to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
- again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
- time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
- for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
- he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
- "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
- never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
- "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
- that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
- %
- Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
- lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
- do that."
- The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
- ought to get to know him a little first."
- %
- Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
- Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
- me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
- Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
- nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
- was no.
- The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
- your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
- all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
- At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
- on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
- %
- Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
- church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
- nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
- superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
- strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
- what he does!"
- To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
- %
- Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
- that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
- with her.
- The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
- as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
- make love to your wife?"
- The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
- love every day."
- "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
- "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
- The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
- pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
- bakery.
- Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
- of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
- all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
- will get hard?"
- "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
- %
- Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
- were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
- went along these lines:
- (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
- (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
- and this continued for quite sometime.
- Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
- 'womb'" and trotted off.
- (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
- (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
- let alone heard one fart underwater."
- %
- Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a
- hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden
- leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
- injuries.
- "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
- vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
- a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put
- on. How did you lose your leg?"
- "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
- terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?"
- "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
- "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all
- these years, does it?"
- "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
- a seagull shit in my eye."
- "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
- you would *lose* the eye..."
- "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
- %
- Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
- in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?"
- one asked his companion.
- "I don't know."
- "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
- American foods."
- So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
- them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
- at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
- %
- Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
- cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
- "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
- I must admit, we've had some problems."
- "Problems? What's wrong?"
- "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
- wants to shove his fist up my ass."
- %
- Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
- disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
- men remarked to his friend,
- "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
- good for a man's virility?"
- "Yes, why?" the friend replied.
- "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
- dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
- %
- Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
- bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
- %
- Unfair animal names:
- -- tsetse fly -- bullhead
- -- booby -- duck-billed platypus
- -- sapsucker -- Clarence
- -- Gary Larson
- %
- Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
- %
- Unix programmers do it with pipes.
- %
- Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
- on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd
- had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
- man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
- "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
- wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
- "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
- muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
- back."
- "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
- "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
- love her," sympathized the executive.
- "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm
- thirsty again."
- %
- U.S. of A.:
- "Don't speak to the bus driver."
- Germany:
- "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
- England:
- "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
- Scotland:
- "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
- Italy:
- "Don't answer the driver."
- %
- Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
- AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
- Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
- FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
- I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
- on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
- SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
- I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
- %
- Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
- AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
- It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
- travel in the trunk of your car.
- FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
- GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
- If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
- appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
- country in public.
- KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
- I will tell you the names and addresses of
- many American spies traveling as reporters.
- %
- Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
- MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
- It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
- this confession of capital crimes.
- MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
- The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
- TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
- The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
- I must have the recipe.
- ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
- DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
- Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
- self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
- %
- USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
- a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
- expect it.
- -- Gene Spafford
- %
- User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
- Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
- upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
- sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
- be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
- looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
- well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
- permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
- is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
- completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
- especially if special features and options are utilized.
- %
- vagina, n:
- The box a penis comes in.
- %
- vaginal lubricant, n:
- A slitty slicker.
- %
- Vandalism On The Upswing!
- Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
- front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
- dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
- wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
- %
- Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
- %
- Vd, n:
- The gift that keeps on giving.
- %
- Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
- ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection.
- Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really,
- it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open
- to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never.
- -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
- %
- Vidi, vici, veni.
- (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
- %
- Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
- back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
- with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
- an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
- You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
- less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
- you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't
- know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
- for both.
- -- The Joy of Sex
- %
- virgin, n:
- An ugly third grader.
- %
- Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
- which takes but one prick to break.
- -- Jordan Sand
- %
- VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
- Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and
- assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People
- will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
- paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose.
- %
- Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
- divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
- What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
- in unusual sex practices?"
- "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
- queer."
- %
- VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
- %
- W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
- but you sure as hell can see it from there!
- %
- Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
- %
- War is menstruation envy.
- %
- Was it you that did the pushin',
- Left the stains upon the cushion,
- The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
- Was it you, you little pecker,
- That got into my Rebecca,
- If you did, you'd better leave this town!
- Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
- Left the stains upon the cushion,
- Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
- But since I stuck your daughter,
- I've had trouble passin' water,
- So I guess we're kind of even all around!
- %
- wasp, n:
- Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
- %
- Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
- %
- Watching girls go passing by
- It ain't the latest thing
- I'm just standing in a doorway
- I'm just trying to make some sense
- Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves
- The tales they tell of men Remember what I said
- I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady
- I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend
- ...
- Don't need a whore
- Don't need no booze
- Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
- But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth
- I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady
- I'm just waiting on a friend
- I'm just waiting on a friend
- -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
- %
- Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it.
- -- W.C. Fields
- %
- We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything
- we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
- inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
- when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
- only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your
- Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
- he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
- and stink to Heaven.
- -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
- %
- We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
- your cities.
- -- Robin Williams
- %
- We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
- -- Pat Paulsen for President
- %
- We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit.
- -- Hugh Romney
- %
- We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
- Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting.
- Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
- And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons.
- Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
- Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
- Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on.
- Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
- (Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
- Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
- -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
- %
- We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
- %
- We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
- -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
- %
- We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
- -- James Watt, noted ecologist
- %
- We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
- with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
- and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
- fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
- called civilization and its discontents.
- -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
- %
- We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free
- his hands for masturbation.
- -- Lily Tomlin
- %
- We must! We must!
- We must increase our bust!
- The bigger the better!
- The tighter the sweater!
- And the boys will think more of us!
- %
- We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
- -- Groucho Marx
- %
- We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
- Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
- I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
- And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
- (chorus) (chorus)
- In the church of Aphrodite,
- The priestess wears a see through nightie,
- She's a mighty righteous sightie,
- And she's good enough for me!
- (chorus)
- CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- 'Cause it's good enough for me!
- %
- Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
- We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
- There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
- Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
- Come inside, the show's about to start,
- Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
- Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
- Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
- You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
- You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
- -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
- %
- Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
- Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
- banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
- us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
- your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
- and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
- have two days to reach us at:
- Fortune Blackmail
- Behind the hot water pipes,
- Third stall from the end,
- Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
- %
- Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
- This is the first of a series of revelations which could
- add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
- criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
- So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
- 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
- 2: What you were doing.
- 3: The names of the three people involved.
- 4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
- 5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
- %
- Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
- not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
- up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
- always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
- joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
- y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
- provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
- y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
- mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
- too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
- "Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
- romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
- up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
- something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
- records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
- morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
- around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
- around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
- about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
- spend a little time with myself.
- -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
- %
- Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
- -- Martha Mitchell
- %
- Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
- Excitable boy, they all said!
- And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
- Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
- He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
- Excitable boy, they all said!
- And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
- Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
- He took little Susie to the junior prom,
- Excitable boy, they all said!
- And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
- Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
- After ten long years they let him out of the home,
- Excitable boy, they all said!
- And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
- Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
- -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
- %
- Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
- I hope they comin' for me!
- And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
- I hope they doin' it for free!
- They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
- First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
- Got it from the kitty next door...
- I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
- I think I got it some more!
- Got a bad scratch fever...
- -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
- %
- Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
- They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
- They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
- I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
- Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
- No bras left, just a queer over there.
- But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
- I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
- My baby's not a sports fan,
- But she plays with balls whenever she can.
- 'Cause her favorite sport you see,
- Is playing tonsil hockey.
- [chorus]
- Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
- Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
- Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
- Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
- -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
- %
- Well, I'd left home just a week before,
- And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
- But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
- And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
- Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
- But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
- La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola.
- -- The Kinks
- %
- Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
- down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to
- find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find
- a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
- beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen
- and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
- rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
- that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..."
- "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to
- be Frank!"
- %
- "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
- While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
- "'Twere better, perhaps,
- In the crypt or the apse,
- Because sex in the nave must be shared."
- %
- Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
- back to the wall.
- -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
- Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow.
- -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
- %
- Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
- she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
- her twice and slapped her.
- %
- Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
- my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
- you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
- %
- Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
- backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
- experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
- though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
- your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
- So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
- that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
- or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
- distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
- tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
- awhile.
- %
- Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
- a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
- -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
- %
- Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile
- and not very much of a bird.
- -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
- zoologist who has studied the Archaeopteryx and found it
- "very much like people".
- %
- Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
- a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out
- and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
- did the same.
- The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister
- hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after
- thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
- of the tail pipe.
- %
- We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
- philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
- %
- Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
- of a chambermaid as a duchess.
- -- Dr. Johnson
- %
- wet dream, n:
- Overnight sensation.
- %
- We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
- divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
- but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
- poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
- "I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
- %
- "We've got things well in hand."
- -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
- %
- We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
- various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
- to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
- 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
- %
- What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
- she would look without them.
- -- Brendan Francis
- %
- What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
- I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
- my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
- %
- What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
- "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
- Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
- %
- What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
- -- Elayn Boosler
- %
- What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
- An incurable romantic.
- %
- What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
- sex than you are.
- -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
- by N. Mackwood
- %
- What the fuck, over?
- %
- What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
- %
- What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
- %
- What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
- Our Standardized Model should please even you,
- Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
- It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
- Yet your state of the union penultimate large
- Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
- And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
- Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
- Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
- For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
- But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
- Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
- Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
- You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
- That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
- Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
- Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
- Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
- -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
- %
- What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is
- better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke.
- There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
- did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
- on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
- Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his
- funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had
- supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs
- make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
- and great art to make life not so serious.
- -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
- %
- Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
- %
- What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
- Doo-doo, doo-doo.
- -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
- %
- What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
- No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
- %
- When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
- %
- When a man grows old and his balls
- grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink
- And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell
- When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
- one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
- He can tell a tale or two.
- When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
- Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
- It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad,
- And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
- So the shooting ain't so bad.
- There was rarely a day without a lay
- And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
- For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
- Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of
- a fuck
- Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week.
- And a bison cow or so;
- And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
- This fucking was mighty slow.
- -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
- %
- When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
- %
- When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
- I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus:
- In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man,
- Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man,
- Well, the men don't know,
- They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand.
- shot full of holes,
- Nurse try to save a soul.
- Killed her for murder first degree,
- Judge what tried let the man go free.
- Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
- Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
- When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
- I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
- -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961
- %
- When he tried to inject his huge whanger
- A young man aroused his girl's anger.
- As they strove in the dark
- She was heard to remark,
- "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
- %
- When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
- lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
- honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
- fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
- to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
- The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
- Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
- the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
- "I've got to lay you or Jack off."
- "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
- %
- When I need something
- To help me unwind
- I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
- With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
- Smart guys are nowhere Superman
- They make demands With a lobotomy
- Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard
- With talented hands My brother's out of Yale
- I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night
- And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail
- I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me
- For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot
- But the way he growled and bit me
- The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots
- The harder I fall
- In love till we're done The bigger they are
- Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
- I got a soft spot
- For a good-looking jerk
- -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
- %
- When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
- kids had stolen my samwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
- "Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
- -- Jake LaMotta
- You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two
- months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a
- vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
- like that.
- -- Jake LaMotta
- %
- When in calling, plain speaking is out;
- When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
- You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
- You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
- It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
- When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
- But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
- It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
- -- Ogden Nash
- %
- When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by
- a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
- %
- When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
- %
- When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
- pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
- a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
- a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
- -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
- Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
- him for 29.
- -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
- %
- When the candles are out all women are fair.
- -- Plutarch
- %
- When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
- selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
- "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
- "The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
- "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
- item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
- "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
- sell you that one for less than a hundred."
- "I'll take it."
- Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
- going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
- vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
- bucks for my Thermos."
- %
- When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
- -- Old Jewish saying
- [How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
- %
- When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
- %
- When they tell me to stick it where
- the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
- %
- When things go wrong as they usually will,
- And your daily road seems all uphill,
- When funds are low and debts are high,
- When you try to smile, but can only cry --
- And you really feel you'd like to quit,
- Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
- %
- When you and I are far apart
- Can sorrow break your tender heart?
- I love you darling, yes I do;
- Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
- All you are is a blossoming rose.
- Night is here so I must close.
- With care read the first word of each line.
- You will find a question of mine.
- -- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
- %
- When you're lying on the bed,
- And the thought is in your head,
- But the feeling is way down between your legs,
- Take your problem in your hand,
- And beat it to the band,
- And try your best to keep it off the walls.
- Don't let your lover tell you,
- Don't let anybody sell you,
- That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
- For I've rid myself of fears,
- (I've been doing it for years)
- And now I have an erection all the time.
- %
- Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
- up your ass.
- %
- "Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?"
- "Yeah."
- "From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
- %
- Which of the following doesn't belong?
- a. meat
- b. eggs
- c. drum
- d. blowjob.
- Answer:
- d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
- or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
- %
- While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
- was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
- hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
- will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
- On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
- into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
- curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
- magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
- erection.
- Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
- mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
- %
- While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
- scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
- -- Boccaccio
- %
- While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
- %
- While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
- In thought on this and that,
- A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
- A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit!
- Why didst thou feel that my best hat
- "Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?"
- And brings joy to my heart.
- But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang,
- Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me,
- For thy hat I thought was my nest,
- I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree."
- His words to better mull,
- Then lifted up a paving block
- And crushed his fucking skull.
- -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
- %
- While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
- might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
- him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
- only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
- girl with languorous eyes.
- "Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
- "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
- just go wild."
- %
- Whip it, baby.
- Whip it right.
- Whip it, baby.
- Whip it all night!
- %
- Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
- Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
- Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
- it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
- his Wang.
- %
- Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
- %
- Why I am an atheist:
- 1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
- 2. God is the highest power.
- 3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
- 4. We should all strive to be like God.
- 5. We should all be atheists.
- %
- Why is it that there are so many more
- horses' asses than there are horses?
- -- G. Gordon Liddy
- %
- Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
- Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
- %
- Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
- then she isn't good enough for you.
- %
- Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
- who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
- would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
- stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
- -- Edward Abbey
- %
- ...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
- you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it.
- If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you
- lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
- of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself
- and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose.
- -- Edmund Carlevale
- %
- Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears
- Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears.
- Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly
- It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
- At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well
- Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
- "'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her,
- When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter.
- %
- Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
- %
- With a bushel of apples, you can have
- a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
- %
- wok, n:
- Something to thwow at a wabbit.
- %
- Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
- hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
- movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
- what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
- -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
- %
- Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
- %
- Women should be obscene and not heard.
- %
- Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
- be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
- -- Norman Mailer
- %
- Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
- you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
- %
- Working here is like a pregnancy.
- After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
- %
- World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
- a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
- The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
- Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
- settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war
- postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
- appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
- Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
- So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
- the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
- Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God
- said, "It will be done."
- The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
- wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done."
- So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of
- shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
- avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew
- thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
- cup of coffee."
- %
- Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
- %
- Writers do it between periods.
- %
- "Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
- realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
- %
- Yesterday is a memory,
- Tomorrow is a vision,
- Today is a bitch!
- %
- You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
- %
- You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
- and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
- thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
- %
- You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
- %
- You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.
- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!
- %
- "You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
- -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
- %
- You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
- %
- You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
- The first three days are the hardest.
- -- R. Dreiser
- %
- You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose;
- but you can't pick your friend's nose.
- %
- You come out of a woman and you spend the rest
- of your life trying to get back inside.
- -- Heathcote Williams
- %
- You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
- %
- You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles
- are the biggest bastards on earth.
- -- John Lennon
- %
- You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women.
- It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with
- a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
- %
- You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
- %
- You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
- %
- You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
- %
- You see that fucking fish?
- If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
- -- Sam Giancana
- %
- You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
- %
- You wanna play the dozens,
- Well, the dozens is a game,
- But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
- -- George Carlin
- %
- You will always have friends
- Some friends will peter out.
- But I'll always be your friend,
- Peter in or peter out.
- %
- You'll be a guest at a gay party.
- That will have important consequences for you.
- %
- Young men want to be faithful and are not;
- old men want to be faithless and cannot.
- -- Oscar Wilde
- %
- Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
- -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
- -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
- with an ice pick.
- -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
- -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
- -- they were the birth control poster child.
- -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
- -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
- get the puppy to play with them.
- -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
- %
- Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
- shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
- -- Johnny Carson
- %
- Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
- there are more important things in life than great sex.
- %
- YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
- by Miss Fortune
- SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
- "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
- motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
- Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
- But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
- SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
- You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
- My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
- out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
- both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
- CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
- Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
- extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
- accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for
- what you are than loved for what you're not.
- %
- Your spooning days are over,
- And your pilot light is out;
- When what used to be your sex appeal
- Is now your water spout!
- %
- You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
- %
- Yuck Foo.
- %
- Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
- I just gave my sister's cherry away!
- To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
- Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
- -- John Valby
- %
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